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1/29/2019 1:46:29 PM Augustine Prens Posts: 2	Chased Pens and paper piled- Blank they rise higher- Babel with no spires. The instinct to daunt, to tempt- And like Prometheus to set ablaze- Gone with no wind, lost by no sin- I’ve chased it away. Hemingway told me in earnest- “Son, beauty is to bleed.” Blanche! I see no scribbles- No “perhaps today” and no “perhaps tomorrow”- For yesterdays, through lonely time- And two lonely eyes- They too have been chased away. I fear, lest I hope, something strange that now churns within- A boy is found, breathing hard and fast- “Am I born to die?”-He asks- My negation is swift, unnerving, and true- Reminds me the beasts I must set free- The fires I must set- Upon the world, I must stand, naked I will go- Ozymandias, I chase the name away. Remember! Empty hands make empty minds- And dawn has yet to come. The unknown and unwritten- Familiar lovers now- No challenge but to lay with them- And chase them all the same. edited by Augustine Prens on 1/29/2019 edited by Augustine Prens on 1/30/2019
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2/1/2019 4:54:58 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	It is not clear to me if English is your first language. The concepts are very developed, the vocabulary is good, but the phrasing and syntax in the complex sentences structures seems almost invented rather than something natural. If English isn't your first language, I would recommend writing the poem out in your native language first, then work with an English tutor to translate it correctly. Prefacing the envoi of your poem with "Remember!" is really heavy handed. In stanzas 1-3 the persona is chasing away something. In the envoi the persona is chasing after something. St 1: the instinct to daunt, to tempt, to set ablaze St 2: yesterdays, todays, tomorrows, lonely eyes St 3: the name Ozymandias St 4: the unknown and unwritten (familiar lovers) There seem to be at least 5 allusions 1: Prometheus 2: tower of Babel 3: Gone With the Wind 4: Earnest Hemingway's quote about writing is sitting at the typewriter and bleeding 5: Percy Bysshee Shelley's poem Ozymandias Overall the poem seems to be about the desire to write, but a profound experience of writer's block from feeling one has alienated one's Eros (or in this case, one's Prometheus), and from an alarming sense of having procrastinated for so very long, the feeling time has slipped away (stanza 2), and a nihilistic fear that accomplishment doesn't really matter because it is all swept away in the end anyway (the allusion to Ozymandias, and the idea one is born simply to die). The enoi seems to be a final affirmation, or resolution in the face of the aforementioned obstacles. The envoi seems to be a new covenant forged with the Prometheus aspect in stanza one, a commitment to illuminate life whatever the cost. The envoi is foreshadowed in stanza 3 by the refutation of nihilism and the affirmation there "fires" to be set (which pucks up the Prometheus thread). The poem might express what Mary Oliver states in her essay Of Power and Time: "The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time." The psychological landscape of the poem is coherent and dynamic, however struggling through the syntax is a big obstacle to the reading. My advice would be to strive for natural, conversational phrasing (even if elevated to a larger than life scale). If you are not in the habit of reading your poems aloud as you compose them, I would rely on this method constantly. Also, set your poems aside for a week, and read them aloud so you are honestly reading it as another might, instead of how you know it was intended. it is an intellectually rigorous poem, and the sense being small in the passing of time on the verge of being palpable in the poem, but I think the emotive quality and the scope of the scale will be more profound when a more natural phrasing is found. It is a bit like a grammar jigsaw puzzle. Also, the rhyming in the first stanza is distracting without any kind of meter. If there were a lexical, moraic, or syllabic meter the end rhymes might not feel so awkward, but the lines just stop arbitrarily and then the rhyme happens which just emphasizes the arbitrariness of the line. an example of how the first stanza might be edited for clarity is: [ Blank, pens and paper pile high --- Babel without spires. The instinct to daunt, to tempt, and like Prometheus set ablaze, I have chased it away. ] I think these ideas are related but are clearer as two. stanzas. I would omit the Gone with the Wind line entirely. I hope I've said something useful or worth considering. If not, good luck! Keep writing. Never too late, and fire has no age. edited by superlativedeleted on 2/1/2019 edited by superlativedeleted on 2/1/2019
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2/4/2019 3:11:48 AM Augustine Prens Posts: 2	Thank you very much for your feedback. The analysis you made helps me "remember" (I know, heavy handed) that there always remains something to be written. I particularly appreciate your criticism of my syntax flaws, something which I do need to focus on. However, it should be said that English is my first language, and that the claim that "the phrasing and syntax in the complex sentences structures seems almost invented rather than something natural" hits the mark: the syntax was invented. Your point is still completely valid, and I am working through a revision where the poem reads smoother while still allowing me to say what I would like. In short, I really cannot thank you enough for your wonderful critique.
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