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10/20/2018 4:07:43 PM semianimem Caecus Posts: 4	Deeply lost in this dark embrace I stared at the sky with searching eyes and saw a maiden peek from the clouds And my thoughts lingered like a broken clock. Above is a meadow of glittering flowers Beneath is the chorus of a cricket's serenade.
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10/23/2018 8:22:59 AM Lifes' Tapestry Posts: 1	Too many words. "above; a meadow of glittering flowers" "Beneath; the crickets serenade" "A maiden peeked from the clouds" I love the idea though
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10/24/2018 6:41:35 PM Frank Frank Posts: 15	You lost me in the first line: "dark embrace" of what? love? death? night? "Deeply lost" and "searching eyes": don't think you can do both at the same time, only one or the other. "searching eyes"": sounds cliched "dark embrace": depending on context, could also be a cliche "lingered like a broken clock": lingering means eventual resumption of motion; a broken clock does not. "Above", "Beneath": above what? beneath what? at first I thought above the sky, and that "meadow of glittering flowers" refers to stars (not bad if so), but no, clouds are visible so can't be night. "chorus of cricket's serenade": pick one or the other, although both are a little cliched. For a visual poem, the introduction of sound in the last line kind of breaks the spell for me. Consider a very short poem of Ezra Pound as an example: As cool as the pale wet leaves of lily-of-the-valley She lay beside me in the dawn. Now a horticulturist knows that lily-of-the-valley also has a sweet scent, but he doesn't complicate his poem with that, which frankly might sounds a little cliched. Instead he focuses only on the delicious feeling of coolness at dawn. And note how he says "in the dawn", rather than "at the dawn" - he's "in" the moment, as we would say. Doing a short poem is a terrific exercise. You have a couple of good images, and one not so good (clock) that could be fixed (no pun). Maybe start over and begin with the strongest line you can come up with, probably using the maiden image. You could also do it in meter as part of an exercise in getting a great sound (be sure to read it aloud), for example, "I saw a maiden peeking from the clouds" would be iambic pentameter (although that does sort of change the tone of poem). But above all, be sure to make sense!
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