Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Women in the Waiting Room

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

10/24/2018 12:38:50 PM Deborah Johnson Posts: 1	Soft and passionate poetry, while shedding light on an inside perception of women's health as they gracefully fight the fight of life. The gentleman gave helpful, respectful directions towards your "master piece." I believe that all of the words used are absolutely necessary, however some type of line that introduces what is coming may lessen the feeling of too wordy. As a female I find every word may strengthen us all toward a clear understanding of silent suffering. edited by 7miguel7 on 10/24/2018 edited by 7miguel7 on 10/24/2018 edited by 7miguel7 on 10/24/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/24/2018 7:12:02 PM Frank Frank Posts: 15	Need to tighten the language. "Bosom of their torsos": "bosom" is either a euphemism for breasts or a metaphor; also the torso is the only area with breasts, so redundant to say it that way. Just say "for easy access to their breasts" - blunt and without euphemism. "ready to be examined and x-rayed / by doctors, nurses and machinery." - maybe simplify: "ready to be examined by doctors and machines" "thick hair locks": locks means hair; drop one or the other. "hairless heads": the next line tells us that with "once housed" so maybe just reword this. And "housed": does a head house (enclose) hair? I think you've got the wrong word there. And "sun kissed" - yeah, I guess, but what about suggesting their hair was once kissed by lips rather than by the sun, to suggest that they're no longer desirable. "snatched away by radiation. / All realize that society defines / a woman’s beauty by her hair." - seems like you could just drop these lines since everyone knows these things, or come up with a poetic equivalent. And "society" is just a blah word - "society" doesn't "define" anything; people do. "Some are complete strangers… / from all walks of life." - only some are from all walks of life? The 10 lines beginning "Some share stories" are your strongest because they sound good when read aloud (s sounds, rhythm). The other lines sound more like prose. I like "voice to voice" and hope it isn't a typo. Don't be afraid to repeat the same word for effect. Look at how Eliot does it in Prufrock (what you reminded me of): "To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet". Go, go, go!
	• permalink • reply with quote
11/1/2018 8:48:51 AM Frank Frank Posts: 15	Yes, "chests" is much better. But "dangled" is pretty awful. Hair doesn't dangle unless you're trying to write comedy. Maybe something like "flashed" to tie in with both sun and radiation. "All realize that society defines / a woman’s beauty by her hair." If you insist on stating the obvious, you need to find a way to express it poetically. If I were to some day write up a list of words you should never use unironically in a poem, "society" would be on it. "burning skins" --> "burning skin" - otherwise it sounds like they were wearing furs. These 10 lines are your best; everything else just reads like prose by comparison. Note the differences: these lines have some rhythm and sounds and the lines are shorter on the page. That's a clue to what's wrong with the rest of the poem. They could also be tightened a bit, as almost all poetry can be until about the 20th draft. For example: "All have a voice to voice / about their journeys / to this waiting room." That's a little bit wordy. Why not just "All have a voice to voice / Their journeys to this room".
	• permalink • reply with quote