Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » The green-eyed monster (Please critique)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

10/4/2018 1:06:41 PM Wendy Nipas Posts: 38	The green-eyed monster The green-eyed monster has awakened From a sleep that made him rest As he has regained his vigor He will put you to the test You will have to act real courteous While your heart with envy sears And you must control your anger Maybe even hide your tears Your endurance will be torture For it lacks good sentiment There’s no will or motivation To utter any compliment Now your mood is so confusing And it shows upon your face Which appears real taut and rigid And you feel so out of place ’Cause the monster has awakened And he wants to be amused He wants you to spew out venom And he will not be excused As you struggle not to please him You blend friendliness with spite And it all becomes real awkward ’Cause you want to do what’s right So you smile and raise your eyebrows In case your eyes stare blank and cold ’Cause you want no one to blame you For a grudge that you might hold This is how you fight the monster Or at least that’s how you try And it looks as if you’re winning But you know it’s just a lie. Wendy Nipas edited by wendyme on 10/4/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/7/2018 11:35:38 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	This is great. Universal situation married with authentic emotional truth, expressed in conversational voice that speaks intimately/caringly to the reader as if each reader is the only person that will read it. The use of second person is validated by the narrative persona. Though second person is used, it is clear the persona of the poem is speaking of itself and is expressing its authentic emotional truth, and is sharing this experience to the reader in a with a private voice. The use of second person is not used to tell the reader what to think or feel.The use of second person is also validated by conveying the restrained detachment, the ambivelence of feeling something but not wanting to feel it. Describing what the reader might go through to actually describe the experience of the persona created for the poem is a wonderful and clever device. Each reader will feel the poem was meant for them, rather than simply having been requested to witness the life of the persona. The poem creates a space for the reader to exist within it, as an equal to the persona. Wonderful! edited by superlativedeleted on 10/7/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/8/2018 9:28:03 AM Wendy Nipas Posts: 38	Thank you so much for your critique. Wow! You explained it so well. And thank you so much for your compliments. superlativedeleted wrote: This is great. Universal situation married with authentic emotional truth, expressed in conversational voice that speaks intimately/caringly to the reader as if each reader is the only person that will read it. The use of second person is validated by the narrative persona. Though second person is used, it is clear the persona of the poem is speaking of itself and is expressing its authentic emotional truth, and is sharing this experience to the reader in a with a private voice. The use of second person is not used to tell the reader what to think or feel.The use of second person is also validated by conveying the restrained detachment, the ambivelence of feeling something but not wanting to feel it. Describing what the reader might go through to actually describe the experience of the persona created for the poem is a wonderful and clever device. Each reader will feel the poem was meant for them, rather than simply having been requested to witness the life of the persona. The poem creates a space for the reader to exist within it, as an equal to the persona. Wonderful! edited by superlativedeleted on 10/7/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote