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9/9/2018 12:23:06 AM Josiah Hopkins Posts: 1	A Warning of Impermanence By: Josiah Hopkins Sing me a song of significance One in need of skill to vocalize A ballad commanding reverence And draws a tear to the eye Tell me a tale of relevance Like an epic seldom heard Be sure to mind your eloquence Make me believe in every word Recite a poem with elegance One of your very own design Just speak it without hesitance And it needn't be in rhyme Paint me a scene of opulence One surely of master's hand Without a hint of ambivalence Of a shipwreck in the sand Just live a life of rememberance Make wise use of fleeting time I warn of life's impermanence Do more with yours than I with mine
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12/2/2018 4:32:04 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	lovely nod to the poetry's ancient roots. Lovely attention to meter, enjoyable use of end rhyme. A few little bumps here and there, but nothing so eggregious it could not be attributed to intentional design. I suspect you are very accustomed to reading your poems aloud and your ear has not yet distinguished between lexical stress and moraic stress, and so your mouth quickens pace on certain syllables to make it pleasing to moraic stress values though in certain positions syllables violate metrical rules of lexical stress. The ear instinctively favors moraic values it seems, though lexical values undeniably produce such a clean sound they sometimes die on the vine. You've ommitted punctuation. This is a fine choice if you intend your end rhymes and line breaks to serve as punctuation. However, allow me to illustrate the power of punctation, specifically caesura, and also enjambment, to frame the emotional content of the poem. Sing me a song. Significance needs skill to vocalize. A ballad. Commanding reverence draws a tear to the eye. Tell me a tale, relevance like an epic seldom heard. Be sure. To mind your eloquence, Make me believe in every word. Recite a poem. With elegance, one of your very own, design. Just speak it. Without hesitance (and it needn't be in rhyme) paint me a scene, of opulence, of, surely, the master's hand. Without a hint of ambivalence, Of a shipwreck in the sand, Just live. A life of rememberance makes wise use of fleeting time. I warn of life's impermanence. Do more with yours than I with mine. The pacing of the original is very free and reeling compared to the punctuated version. In addition, without the use of enjambment the end rhymes make a very vibrant musical quality. Punctuation offers the opportunity to control pacing, which is an essential component in nonverbal communication of mood and emotional content. The original version is so bright and carefree, it is difficult to believe they understand the grief of impermanence, the loss of wasted opportunities. The last three lines of the original don't even seem to fit with the rest of the poem; the body of the poem could be a spritely youth that's simply excited to hear a good song. Using punctuation to slow the pacing, takes the energy out of the lines; the enjambmemt conceals the music. One might suddenly suspect the person speaking is aged, and feeling nostalgic for better times and is hoping to live vicariously through the song of someone in the prime of life, and warns them to make good use of time, tying the body of the poem together with the last three lines. hope something I said was useful. good luck. edited by superlativedeleted on 12/2/2018
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