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Forum Home » High Critique » Feedback Please-Our Dear Love

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/16/2018 8:16:49 AM

Sadhavi Bhatia
Posts: 1
Though he sat at a distance
A couple of meters yonder
Why then his eyes fixed on me
I couldn’t help but ponder

Though they were not precise
His eyes kept dwindling in my direction
A blush on my cheek
In his vision, a touch of affection



Striking up conversations with others
Casual he tried to seem
But the love he looked at me with
Was no less than that of a dream



My eyes also kept flickering
In his way a couple of time
Oh, go ahead and detain me
If so much fondness seems to be a crime



Peeping in his course
He saw me, I feared
When smiling at me
His glass of wine he cheered



With courage, my head I nodded
Not realizing the smile I had on me
It was as if the lock on my heart
Had found its one long lost key



Could get lost for hours
Looking at his face charming
Never till uttered a word to him
Let that for now remain barring



To approach the other
No had the courage
In this distantly seated date
Our dear love did flourish
edited by Sadhavi Bhatia on 4/16/2018
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4/16/2018 9:01:32 PM

JW Nugent
Posts: 8
His eyes kept dwindling where 'kept dwindling' could be replaced with 'so wistful'

Causual as he tried to seem. With 'As he casually meant to seem'

I feared, But when smiling

Could get lost with. I could get lost

Read your poem out loud as you feel it should read. This will mark any akward or off flow words. Always try to think of enhancing words.
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