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Forum Home » High Critique » Looking for critique

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/23/2017 10:08:18 AM

Melanie Cox
Posts: 2
Grief in Stages
And in your death my soul is tethered
A presence yet unsevered
Tragic loss not well weathered
Empty in your absence

Unspeakable resurgence
And implausible resilience
Suffering in silence
As none can console

Not within control
An altering of the soul
Never again to be whole
And not meant to be

Of this I will agree
Although did not foresee
The depth of change in me
Expected not the gain

That which was my bane
Affords comfort in the pain
As it assures me you remain
And in your death my soul is tethered
edited by Melanie44 on 12/26/2017
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12/29/2017 10:09:48 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 71
There are no concrete/ sensory details. Despite the use of rhyme feels like reading prose.

I like the contrast/ arc of the tethering at first being framed simply as pain, then reframed at the end as an affirmation.

The use of apostrophe as a figurative device here feels awkward, because "you" isn't referring to the reader, and it's not clear who the "you" is. This breaks the charm of intimacy between author and reader.

The use of inclusio as a figurative device works well, given that there is a revelation about the nature of the tethering. However, beginning the poem with the word "and" is very awkward, and may not be necessary.

personally, i found the poem emotionally inaccessible. i didn't find a place in the poem to occupy as the reader. the poem was speaking at me.
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