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Forum Home » High Critique » First Born, First Gone... Any Thoughts Please

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
11/22/2017 8:28:44 PM

Jared Day
Posts: 6
3 years old
I remember only 3 years ago




I wasn't there when you came into this world

you have no idea how bad that feels




you see it's not that I didn't want to be there

I just wasn't told, no one made me aware




I didn't show up until 1 day after

but I've never rushed to anything faster




The first time I held you was the best for me

your look, your smell, you were just like me




I knew then that things had to change

I vowed right then to change my ways




I told you then and I'll tell you now

I promise to always be around




I promise to teach you everything that I know

and love you unconditionally through the highs and lows




I promise to be there forever and always

I promise to love you as much as your mommy does




with your smiling face and the way you say Dad

every day you grow older it makes me feel sad




one day you won't need me

one day you will leave me

one day you won't miss me

one day you will be me




so until then I will shape you the best that I can

and try to show you the right path you need to take

so I can help you to understand

this life can only be what you choose to make
edited by JaredD3 on 11/22/2017
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11/25/2017 12:56:15 PM

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
I felt the beginning was strong, it rang true. I felt it would be stronger if there were specifics about what you would teach the child. It doesn't matter how "unpoetic" it might sound, the reader will generalize. The ending is sad, but reminded me of Harry Chapin's song "Cat's In The Cradle". I would look for specifics again to make the sentiment yours. Best wishes!
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