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Forum Home » High Critique » To the Gulf Of Mexico (To be renamed)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/17/2010 11:52:31 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
The Gulf Of Dead Silence


Sweet Empty gulf farewell
all the animals I've known so well
a drift among the lifeless waves
corroding in the grim sun's rays
the dim murk reaks of death
the odor causes my nose distress
I'll never see the water blue
consumed forever by BP's Crude.



- To every animal that has swam, trot, or flew
I bid thee all adieu

I'll miss you.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/18/2010 10:17:14 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Sweet Empty gulf farewell
all the animals I've known so well
adrift among the lifeless waves
corroding in the grim sun's rays.

Oh the dim murk reeks of death
the odors cause my nose distress
I'll never see the water blue
consumed forever by BP's Crude.



- To every animal that has swam, trot, or flew
I bid thee all adieu

I'll miss you.



I revised it...tell me what you all think

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/18/2010 1:37:44 PM


Posts:
I really think you did a very good job on this one, Michael. Only I dont know if the initals BP are working, I assume it's British Petroleum but will all of your future readers know that? Also I dont know if animals who trot are really in keeping with this topic, (unless I am a dimwit) Catie
Also will you check out my poem called lavender children and let me know if you have any suggestions. Thanks!
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5/18/2010 4:09:05 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
That's assuming that nothing lives on land near the Gulf...No little rodents or animals of any kind.
I chose trot because it worked nicely with my flow...and could be a euphemism for animals on land.
Ummm...Hopefully in the future everyone will know about this horrible crime...especially anyone who grows up in the south and sees the black polluted water and wonders how it got that way.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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