5/17/2010 11:40:38 AM
Jay Loveless
Posts: 3
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Scary dreams, darkened skys,
down from the sky, angels cry,
tummy clutched in shaking arms,
dont it dare be there, or gone,
once to be a mother at fifteen,
lost in blood and stress and drugs,
from a prisoner of rape, to one day able to be free,
darkened dreams, falling skys,
up from hell the devil survives,
come and torment sweet innocent thoughts,
tears falling, as darkness takes over the plot,
happy mother, loving dad,
i see my baby and i holding hands,
his hand rubbing my tummy so soft,
but its not tone at all, a large round lump sticks up,
gosh, somehow i just felt it kick,
and the dreams remain sweet for moments then,
wake up in the middle of the night,
a familliar appartment is all in sight,
plus my baby sprawled out on the bed,
the way he sleeps like a rock, he almost looks dead,
but to the bathroom i soon do walk,
i gotta go potty, no time to stop and talk,
arms wrap around stomach pain,
fall down on cool tile, try to breath in vain,
crimpson, look, watch as i bleed,
not again, oh no, this couldnt be,
NIIIIIICKK!! its all i can scream,
NIIIICKKKK! as i sit there and bleed,
stunned, shocked, a broken heart,
he hears my calls, an urgent sound,
races down the hall and stops at what hes found,
his girlfriend, sitting on the bathroom floor,
shaking, bleeding, a miscarrage as the source,
oh god, oh gosh, its all he thinks,
then he stops, looks in my eyes, and sees,
my lips are quivering, paused on his name, the sound,
my stomach clutched, my arms suddenly fall down,
he comes over wraps me bloodily in his arms,
shh its okay, his words are magick charms,
the tears come fast, their pouring out,
they mix with his, we're both crying now,
goodbye our baby, goodbye our love,
up to heaven, sleep tight above,
time to shower, off the remains,
then restless sleep again,
hello my baby, hello my love,
i lost our baby, ive broke our heart...
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6/20/2010 10:06:46 PM
James Marion
Posts: 10
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In General:
Whatever rhyme scheme is present, it is haphazard. There are occasionally a half-dozen lines of rhyme, followed by a few of no particular structure.
Without trying to be a particular stickler for grammar, in a poem dealing with such a serious matter as a miscarriage, the level of typo here is a shame. This is NOT a stream-of-consciousness poem, since it has a good deal of punctuation. There's no reason for there to be no capitalization, especially "I"s.
On the note of the seriousness of the piece, there is a good amount of childish language thrown in that undermines the seriousness of the piece. For example: "tummy", "scary dreams", "almost dead", "go potty", etc.
Spelling always must be correct, and Caps-Lock is never acceptable, for any respectable writer. "NIIIIIICK" should be written simply as "Nick!". If the intensity of the scene is there, the stress should be understood; if not, no amount of capitalization and stressed letters can fix it.
Specifically:
"Scary dreams" is a childish way of expressing nightmares. This is an area I would consider a huge literary opportunity; take advantage of descriptions of extreme feelings to use "grown-up words". I'll refer to moments like this as "word choice."
Word Choice - "tummy"
"Don't it dare be there, or gone" - it's unclear what this means. Does she want the baby to leave her, or does she not? I understand your craving for ambiguity here, but you as the author must know.
Why is "once" there, in line five?
"Prisoner of rape" - this is such an incredibly strong subject. More on this later.
"Darkened dreams, falling skies..." First, typos like "skys" are unacceptable in any work of merit. Second, "hell the devil survives" is clearly a stretch for the sake of rhyming and, in a poem where rhyme is occasionally absent, it doesn't make sense.
The same for "night" and "sight".
"He looks almost dead" - this isn't something you can throw out there haphazardly - this image is one of the most horrifying, bone-chilling ones that a parent can imagine. That should be clear.
"To the bathroom I soon do walk" - this is one of many areas that seems like "this seems like it should be in a poem." It may pass in a Shakespearean sonnet to mess with the structure of a sentence, but in a poem written plainly, like this one, it simply works to confuse a reader.
"Crimpson" is not a word.
Don't say "NIIIICK!!". Don't capitalize whole words for emphasis. Don't spell things incorrectly for emphasis. Don't use more than one punctuation at the end of a sentence.
"He hears my call, an urgent sound, races down..." This implies that the urgent sound raced down the hall. Clean up your sentence structure.
Word Choice - "Oh god, oh gosh."
For the rest, more typos ("magick"), sentence structure problems, and a lack of understanding of common grammar ("their" vs "they're") mars your piece.
Most importantly, this is a subject that you don't comprehend. That's very plain in your reading. You have described two things - rape, and the act of a miscarriage - that are inarguably the most horrific things that a woman can go through. To attempt this in the form of a poem is a dangerous and difficult feat for the most experienced of poets; to attempt it at your level is not dangerous, but bordering on insulting. Be careful when choosing a subject; just because something is packed with emotion doesn't mean it's easier to write about. On the contrary.
Thanks,
James
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