Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » feedback and critique needed :)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

9/11/2017 10:33:03 AM Sanja Cokolic Posts: 13	Mocking executions Go on tell them tell them how your democratic masturbation searching for solutions has failed in calculation again now people with eyes made of glass are bringing war to us war has no heroes, only victims and people who forgot they are formula is clear we invaded their way of life now they are attacking ours an eye for an eye until we all became blind lightless go on run shout your lungs out when you use weapons to maintain peace bloodbath is inevitable or this is what your real intent was, is to baptise us anew launder in our own blood on which book are you evaluating valuable ones now while you're designing a brand new world holding blameless victims as hostages of your fundament none soil in blood built remain peaceful sleep are you sleeping well knowing you set Abraham's children confrontation as two David's fight while Goliath is watching from the audience are you sleeping well being aware you left no one to keep that thumb up when we all appear lightless edited by Christina Addison on 9/11/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/14/2017 6:52:08 PM jack belck Posts: 12	Excellent words. Now reduce them by half, tighten up, focus, drag the reader from lien one to the end.
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/16/2017 10:07:41 AM Sanja Cokolic Posts: 13	Thank you
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/19/2017 5:44:51 PM Dylan OB Posts: 2	Mocking executions What? Go on tell them Too small. If you are going to include something like this, I would suggest adding something else to substitute text such as an exclamation point. Even then, this seems more like a song than something written. tell them how your democratic masturbation searching for solutions has failed in calculation again I love the first part, especially the masturbation analogy; however, I would suggest making it one line. However, the second part is another story. This needs more vocabulary. now people with eyes made of glass are bringing war to us Eyes made of glass is not clear. You also jumped from a very concrete wording to a sudden abstract wording. Are bring war to us to should be part of the first line. I would suggest adding another line. war has no heroes, only victims and people who forgot they are The first line misses a huge opportunity with not including vivid figurative language. Forgot should also be forget. formula is clear we invaded their way of life now they are attacking ours I really do not like your diction here. From the looks of your poem, it seems like English is not your first language. Formula is not a really good word, I would prefer something figurative. Invaded is not really an accurate word, something like encroached adds much more emphasis. You could also delete the first line as it's not really necessary. an eye for an eye until we all became blind lightless This is phrased too simply and should be conciser. go on run shout your lungs out I would delete this: it does not seem to connect to the rest of the poem. when you use weapons to maintain peace bloodbath is inevitable or this is what your real intent was, is Worded really awkwardly. Be more concise. I would also consider ending this with a question for emphasis. The second half of the poem is abysmal because the application to religion is not flowed well into. At all. Holistically, stop rushing and actually make sure the ideas are good before you write them if you want to make a really good poem for the sake other than for simply writing one. If this were more polished, it could have been a decent poem, but it is not. At least not yet.
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/20/2017 8:19:56 AM Sanja Cokolic Posts: 13	Olala you definitely aren't the silent one thank you for the feedback edited by Christina Addison on 9/20/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote