9/7/2017 5:26:54 PM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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Terra Firma, inundated
induced obscure, addled by haze
Sable vision looming clandestine
'neath voyeur's superficial gaze
Impending doom surrounds siren
companions come via the wing
Hideous caws make nary a sound
still, there's resonance, deafening
Symphonic dance and play abound
sweet airborne pirouettes macabre
Turbulent twists, convene with timber
silence shattered by shrieking sob
Ripped apart - devils satisfied
swiftly ebb on departing mist
Nonchalant to what's been discarded
visage vanquished - vanished, dismissed
'Twas once there, to be - nevermore
peace now, awaits a rising sun
Dewy air departs on stiff breezes
repercussion - a carrion
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9/10/2017 12:10:43 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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I think this could end up being a very good poem. If I've read it correctly, the image is ravens feeding on a dead animal/ corpse. This dynamic is rich with opportunities for expressing a poetic musing.
First, I'd decide what the muse is for the poem: is it the feeling of being helpless while one is exploited, fed upon; is it the idea that death is transformed into life; is it the idea that if no one wanted to do the dirty jobs in life, the world would be filled with decay and filth; is it simply the disquiet of death overtaking life, that it is inescapable? What musing do you want to illustrate with your ravens and mist?
You are at the door, but the true poem is on the otherside. I feel this work was written mainly as entertainment without having truly identified or focused on a musing about the nature of life or the human experience, but you've set yourself up well to explore deep musings!
I think your writing shows you are excited by the richness and sensuality of language. Sometimes when we are seduced by the sensual quality of language we just want to add more and more and more because its so exciting we just want to have ALL of it in there, even to the point of becoming unclear or overwhelming.
For example, your title could simply have been "An Unkindness" (a group of ravens is called an unkindness), which understates the brutality of the feeding, and sets the reader up to be caught off guard by the poem even though the title plainly announces what it is about, so it creates a moment of discovery as the mind realizes there is a different meaning (even if they don't know a group of ravens is called an unkindness, the artistry of the understatement is universal). Or, if you intended the birds to be crows, your title could simply have been "Murder in the Mist" (a group of crows is called a murder), which again both misdirects the reader while being perfectly plain. However, I believe i understand how you arrived at "Mystic Mist Marrauders" it repeats the syllable mïst twice, and all the words begin with M; mist sounds moody, and saying it is MYSTICAL mist just means its supposed to be that much more mysterious; marrauders adds that playful element of danger. Its meter even feels very clean as trochaic trimeter. Its a playful title intended to titilate and excite, but this this is sort of a heavy handed playfulness that might distract the author from more artful opportunities.
Similarly, the first stanza is loaded, and even after several readings the reader may only be able to guess what the author intends to say. Is it intended to be the birds looking down at the world?
The dense phrasing of the first stanza is compounded by how you use the words inundated, induced, addled, sable, and voyeur's.
at first when you use the word inundated i thought you meant a flood (do you mean the mist? inundate is a very heavy word for something as light as mist. mist may be visually dense, but it is not physically heavy); 'induced obscure' makes no sense to me, partly because it is not clear what is doing the inducing, and (i think) its a passive voice construction that is personifying "terra firma" as being a direct object capable of performing the act of self obscuration, and also that induced is followed by an adjective and not a verb confuses me (it might be clearer to say -... induced to obscure itself); again, addled personifies "terra firma" as possesing a mind or awareness that becomes addled; 'sable vision' makes no sense to me as vision isn't a physical thing that has texture (if you said -... the voyeur gazed through his sable - it still wouldnt be terribly clear, but it would be correct - I'm assuming you mean the very fine hairs around the eyes of the raven?); and, if you're intending that the flock of birds is what is watching, it would be better to say - voyeurs' (also I'm not sure why you've written the line 'neath voyeur's superficial gaze. It would be more metrically correct to just say - beneath the voyeurs' superficial gaze. Usually in verse, i think, when an unstressed syllable is dropped it is to preserve a regular meter - ...sitting beneath the tree ---> sitting 'neath the tree. So, I'm not sure why you're dropping be- and 'the' from the line.)
All in all, there are many clearer ways to express the first stanza - The mist rolled across the sabled gem of the raven's eye... - for example. Something like this captures in one line the gathering mist, the sensual detail of the eye, and makes clear at a poetic level the raven is watching...
I think perhaps one of the goals of the poem was to capture the sense that things are hidden in the mist, unclear. I think this a great artistic goal, but the reader needs something to hold onto while things are happening.
Depending on what musing you want to pursue...
I think you should rewrite the piece either from the point of view of the corpse, unable to move, the mist rolls in, it knows they're coming for it, or the raven. Using the point of view of the corpse creates a lot of opportunity for tension as the reader waits with the corpse, knows it will be eaten, but can't do anything about it.
BUT - such a grisely scene MUST have poetic core to justify the gore. The reader must feel they've realized or identified or understood something from the scene, not simply walk away with feelings and images that serve no purpose but shock value. But yes, writing from the point of view of the corpse could be very strong, and personifying it ensures a human element is present.
I hope my some of my suggestions are helpful. I would focus on conversational phrasing, clarity, and cultivating the poetic musing of the scene.
Good luck! Can't wait to see the next draft!
edited by superlativedeleted on 9/10/2017
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