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9/7/2017 9:37:00 AM
Faeeza Paruk Simjee
Posts: 14
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What You Are, What You Mean To Me...
Oh Wife! You are my life,
around which I spin my daily axis -
My work, dealings, obligations, routine is as a nexus,
Interacting connecting life with gratified emotional plexus...
You are my means of enhancing worship of my Creator,
whose pleasure I daily aspire,
You are my Jannah's access...
Keeping you happy, my Lord renews my happiness,
For you I sacrifice personal partiality
to open between us meaningful ecstasy,
Your heart spurred to do things for me joyfully,
born of sincere love & not just bound duty,
In this my heart finds tranquility,
Knowing Allah & you are with me happily...
I preserve your treasures fastidiously,
For you are my companion in life & next destiny,
In my providence You are beauty engraved into it's text,
You are peace through me flows as my eyes upon you rest,
You are speech when I have nothing to say,
You are warm infusions in my mind as saved snippets browse you each day,
You are quencher of my desires,
dousing my fires,
You are whom my heart has won distinctively,
By just upholding your respect & God-given dignity,
simple warmth, & sunnah courtesy,
Caring for your being as loving responsibility,
to maintain your happiness my priority,
Succumbing not to any hardness born from undue authority...
Winning your love has been extremely worthy,
Graces you've colored my life with so beautifully,
So much that a fearful ache rouses considering separation eventemporary,
Until we meet again in aakhirah's endless journey...
You are my support, my comfort,
feeding my will to live beyond,
My inner strength upon whom I often lean on,
Your mirror I use to reflect back light you fill around us sounreservedly,
As each day my aim to be as you are to me, though unconsciously...
You've taught me a lesson I teach others duly,
To enjoy woman she must be taken care of warmly,
Her love-blossom to scent life's garden sooOo incredibly,
when she is dealt with generously & not authoritatively,
A fine line within woman defines love from bound duty,
Man's success lies in winning her love to flow through everythinguninhibitedly,
By being kind, compassionate, amiable, considering her agreeably,
Understanding her needs & passions befittingly,
Delivering her pleasures within sensible boundary,
Priding oneself in upholding her respect & dignity,
Adhering this advice, Jannah will unveil in life duly,
as it did in mine so magnificently...
Its soft hands that glide wisps away from hampered beauty,
Women as emotional beings radiate light when carefree,
Their equilibrium transforms into love when dealt with gently,
If only man understands & complies this intricate make-up ofwoman duly,
to unlock all her treasures that be,
Tasting delectable nourishment of true love & harmony,
Whilst enjoying musical symphony,
of two beings living in congruent synchrony,
Understanding, compromising, accepting each other's personality...
My wife, you are my friend whom I love & trust,
A soulmate specially created for me from special dust,
My love to whom I'm empathetic & just,
My desire who protects me from sins of lust...
When worries plague me your solace is a must,
You are my queen, Jannah's gust,
While we enjoy each other in entwined truss,
I'm grateful for you, my beloved wife,
To have you grace my side in this world & afterlife.
GLOSSARY
Aakhirah = Arabic for After-Life
Allah = Arabic name for “God”
Jannah = Arabic for Paradise
Sunnah = Arabic term for completerole-model teachings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) regarding every aspect of lifeincluding mannerism, behavior, dealings, worship, ethics, values, morality,etc.
edited by Faeeza Paruk Simje on 9/12/2017
edited by Faeeza Paruk Simje on 9/12/2017
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9/7/2017 11:14:34 AM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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the structure is fine. the free verse meter has a natural flow. the rhyme scheme works and isn't overpowering. it's clear you've spent time on it and given it quite a lot of thought.
your work has a strong voice and a palpable presence. it definitely houses and keeps the spirit of the author.
however, I think your work would be better described as a song, not a poem. None of the lines use metaphors or similes (except maybe one). the lines do not use sensory detail to communicate emotional content. All of the lines are explaining or declaring something.
the closest we come to figurative language in the work is "love-blossom", and "dousing my fire." (i actually like these phrases). The song is proclaiming things (mainly to the wife), but thinking back on the work there are no images, only thoughts and a feeling. While it is an effective song, i just don't believe it to be a poem.
As a song, there are many beautiful things about it. Its very clear the song cherishes the wife and wants to give something meaningful back to her, and it is very clear tremendous thought and consideration has gone into it. While i dont believe to be a poem, there is a tiny flicker of Rumi in it somewhere. i imagine the author's wife will be very pleased with it.
however, the reader is not the author's wife. It is unclear to me if the work is intended only for the author's wife, or if it is intended to be shared with a public audience. most of the poem seems to addressed to the wife, but other portions seem to be making a speech to someone else. It seems like two different works in one. A love song to the wife and a speech to the public.
the song feels like the speaker intends to hold up his relationship with his wife as an example for others. This makes me uncomfortable. others might not be uncomfortable. i can only speak for myself.
the song is almost as if the author wishes to tell others how to live or behave, and the song to the wife is a device to make a speech to others. while the behaviors are not objectionable, necessarily, i cant help but feel there is an element of conceit. Maybe i am misreading the song.
The song is lovely. Like holding a flower to one's face, but a cricket leaping from its heart and landing on the nose. Some may not mind. Others may drop the flower.
Thank you for sharing. I hope my comments are useful. I apologize if I've said anything offensive.
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9/9/2017 1:50:28 AM
Faeeza Paruk Simjee
Posts: 14
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Thank you Mr Webster, your input is greatly appreciated!
*Just a note Rumi & I share many if not most of the same philosophies!
*The objective was amongst other things, encouragement especially to modern day husbands somewhat bound by traditional cultures and habits to embrace the wife with a new deeper outlook to enjoy a more rewarding relationship, which develops a wholesome joy within both partners...
*What rang "worried bells" in me was ur taste of conceit in the message... this would defeat the purpose of the poem, so i would appreciate further clarity, or advice on how to remove this connotation...
Not offended in the least! Highly grateful for your time & efforts to guide & assist
thank you again, regards,
Fay
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9/9/2017 3:23:14 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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the lines i find most beautiful are
You are peace through me flows as my eyes upon you rest,
You are speech when I have nothing to say,
You are warm infusions in my mind...
These lines are where I feel Rumi the most. I might even be able to imagine that they were written for Shams Tabriz.
They are so powerful because there is no attempt to conceal that the speaker is incomplete without the spirit and inspiration of the object of their devotion. The speaker is given life by the one they are singning of.
These lines do not proclaim "I am a good boy!" or bear the conceit of telling the wife "You feel this." These lines do not tell others "you should do this" or "things are like this."
These lines are a confession of joy instead of shame. These lines confess the smallness of the speaker and the vastness of that they love. These lines confess the joy of being made whole. That is beautiful.
The other lines have a different quality. Many of them proclaim "I am a good boy!", or say "You feel this." or "This is how things are." These lines are all, in truth, about the speaker, not the object of its love.
The line "you teach me lessons..." begins well, is about the object of ones love, but then it is suddenly turned into a line about the speaker "... that I teach others." It feels like the author is saying "See what a good boy i am!" This is not really about the object of his love, in my opinion.
Specifically, you mention bound duty. I think this is a mistake. You seem to contrast the bound duty with the love - the wife is bound by duty, she has to do things even if there is no love, just go through the motions, BUT the speaker is pleased because he knows her love isn't just duty. I think this is possibly trouble.
It may be true, but reminding someone they have to be your wife anyway just isn't romantic. This isn't the intent of the author, but speaking of the duty is a reminder still. Also, expressing that one is happy they are loved is about the speaker, not the object of the love. You don't have to love ME, but you love ME anyway.
The three lines I've posted at the top have the right spirit. They are about the wife. They express the fullness of life the wife gives. The joy of being loved is best captured in them, i think.
Does this make more sense?
These are just my feelings. Others may feel differently.
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9/11/2017 3:22:22 AM
Faeeza Paruk Simjee
Posts: 14
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Points Noted Mr Webster! God bless for your time & support!
#Am going to try and work out a palatable way to still highlight & send across the message of the importance & rewards in "serving a husband out of love & not just bound duty", coz this topic needs exposure to readers in the culture I'm directing this work at...
In this culture, marriage is sacred, & "until death do us part" is strongly adhered to no matter what the union holds... Of course the younger male generation hold onto this tradition but more often in a more diluted way... so they are not as strict in adherence to rules of tradition/ culture, & in many cases open to alternative views....
Many though still don't realize that there is a difference between serving one from a spring of inner love & just serving a spouse out of duty (of which is directed by religion/ tradition/ culture). I'm trying to highlight this important distinction to motivate its implementation & perhaps change perceptions/ perspectives for the better.
The truth is wives from these cultures would do anything for their husbands out of bound duty, but the beauty emanated from those who do so out of deep love is beautifully astounding, as compared to those who just carry on with their marriage going through the motions, until death does them part... (note - some recognize marital relationships as sacred/ a means of worshiping God)...
Once again your time & effort is greatly appreciated
Regards, Fay
edited by Faeeza Paruk Simje on 9/13/2017
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