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9/6/2017 2:08:30 PM Kevin Shaw Posts: 9	Our New Home There is a rainbow over the stadium, Team colours, Claret and Amber Gold. A place that holds so many memories, andthe stories, that have been told. As a lad, watched all the greats here, Those boys wore their shirt with pride. I loved to be close to my heroes, Shout encouragement down at pitch side. Feeling sad as I sit in the South stand, The ground is left derelict and forlorn. The sound of the crowd has long gone, No more heroes or greats will be born. Closing my eyes I’d remember, Those magical days in the cup. The sweat and the tears and the joy, of the year that we almost went up. Our new home is out of town, Purpose built, pristine and vain. A place that lacks the emotion, Executives drinking champagne. Times change, I must accept this, The rich men have stolen my dream. My Claret and Amber days are over, asIfinally say goodbye to my team.
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9/6/2017 5:56:52 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Hey Kevin. I like your poem. It has a strong nostalgic core. I think the way it illustrates the human significance of the stadium, the team and the sport and contrasts it with the impact vanity and greed impose upon the speaker is a really solid and powerful poetic foundation. Id like to offer suggestions for consideration. your poem vibrates with the natural emotion of the situation and experience of the speaker. I would remove the line about the rainbow, the phrase "feeling sad", and the word "forlon." The rainbow line unnecesarily sugars up the start of the poem - the beauty of the stadium is best captured in the phrasing you use to express the memories and the speaker's relationship to the time at the stadium; if you make us feel the rainbow, it doesnt need to be shown. The phrase "feeling sad" is unnecessary, because it is clear from they way you write the poem is speaker is experiencing grief; we already feel it, which is more sophisticated than telling us. Removing the rainbow line and "feeling sad" will help keep the poem from being "sentimental" without sacrificing the genuine sentiment. The word forlorn feels somewhat unusual and out of place in your wonderfully contemporary poem. i think the first stanza should very clearly ground the speaker at the stadium, looking at how it is presently, a very concrete and solid description. i think the first and second lines of stanza 3 might be a good seed for the opening stanza - the speaker is at the stadium, everyone is gone, things in disarray, THEN he begins to remember back - into stanza 2. I love especially stanza 5 as it strongly contrasts the vitality and freedom of the memories with the colorless step up in life, if it can be called that I think stanza 5 would be even stronger if it was written as the speaker looking forward, in future present tense. "our house will be... the executives will..." using future present leaves the speaker and the reader at the stadium as the speaker looks into the future. when you say "our house is... the executives drink..." in present tense, it takes the reader to different places instead of remaining grounded at the stadium. Keeping the reader at the stadium, not letting them leave the stadium until the speaker does allows the emotion to remain contained within the walls of the stadium and be released all at once when the speaker and reader leave together. Also, i would remove the line "lacks the emotion" as it is also an overt statement of emotion (or lack of emotion). I think it could be replaced with something clever like - one of the team colors is claret - claret is a color, bit it is also a wine; this could be cleverly juxtaposed with the champaign which is colorless and full of air. If you can allow the claret to stand as the color, the emotion, and the wine, if you describe it as being bottled up, corked, restrained somehow, or kept in a dark cellar and compare this to everyone celebrating with something that has no color, i tink you could strongly capture what you are getting at, both thematically of the imposing culture of affluence and being devoid of feeling, or that passion being not allowed or tightly controlled. my last suggestion is for stanza 6. i would remove the first line entirely and simply make stanza 6 three lines: Rich men have stolen my dreams, my Claret and Amber days, as I say goodbye to my team. I hope some of my suggestions are useful. I enjoyed your poem very much. Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to critique su h a meaningful poem.
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9/7/2017 12:49:00 PM Kevin Shaw Posts: 9	Thank you so much for your very informative suggestions. I really appreciate the time you have spent considering your Critique. I found it very useful and agree with your suggestions. It is really helpful to have constructive feedback. Kind regards to you, Kevin
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