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9/9/2017 2:58:19 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I really love this. It reminds me of the movie Shirely Valentine when Shirely directly addresses the audience. The personality/ voice/ speaker of the poem is really enjoyable for. It feels like this is just the tip of the iceberg of a story or adventure (a la Shirley Valentine). My only criticism would have been that it doesn't use sensory detail/ figurative language/ metaphor/ simile to convey emotional content, but i think this is a rare case where adding such might destroy the work. This piece is entirely about the personality. normally i think direct address (and or second person) in poetry is very awkward, but this works so amazingly well. i think it works well because while the speaker is talking to the reader, the reader never feels the need to respond or defend themselves, or go "no, i wouldn't be doing/ feeling/ thinking that"; nor is the piece lecturing or on a soap box. at first i was worried it was going to turn into a rant or a "poor me" piece, which seems common, but you quickly tied the personal reaction of the speaker to a big picture view of life and the human experience, which kept it from becoming petty or self indulgent. such a pleasent and exciting surprise. your free verse meter is wonderful. it flows freely and naturally. i was worried about the use of end rhyme at first, but you use it so artfully to highlight certain thoughts, and your dynamic line breaks and sensible phrase breaks really keep it on track as the conversational tone helps off set the weight of the end rhymes. My only criticism would be after you get to the "you get tired" line i began to zone out (even though i was reading aloud) i cant tell if this is a problem with the writing, or if the writing was so persuasive it made me actually experience the mood of malaise. so, surprisingly i can't tell if this effective writing or ineffective writing. It make partly be the reader gets very comfortable with the short phrases line breaks in the middle section, and the end rhyme artfully stops the flow on the question, then the piece shifts into longer phrasing that is so soft and conversational perhaps the mind just naturally wanders there. enjoyed this piece very much. the persona of this poem needs an entire collection dedicated to it. it has a story to tell, and its voice is enjoyable enough to want to listen to the rest of it.
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9/14/2017 6:56:43 PM jack belck Posts: 12	If you're going to complain, tell the reader what you're complaining about--and why. Venting is no better than scrawling graffiti on the sidewalk.
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9/15/2017 5:41:23 AM Night-Walker C.E Posts: 1	I love the poem,but there was great need to use words that would evoke emotions related to the poem. -- troy55
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