Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Any comments are welcomed

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

6/16/2017 4:00:23 PM Christine Palm Posts: 1	The census was in and I had lost. The illusions had tricked me. I was cornered into this reality. The fallacy was not comprehended. My hope was lost in a sea of despair. My situation was grave. I had been spoiled by the pain. The sap ran down the tree of my soul. I had been cast out of happiness. My tears were turned inward. They had left me with the guilt. I had ceased my trust. Their sins built the walls within me. I perceived oneness. There was no conveying the truth. No one had taken my cause. I was dying a million times over. I was torn between life and death.
	• permalink • reply with quote
6/19/2017 2:26:01 PM Jerome Malenfant Posts: 26	I think a problem with this poem is that there is no development in it as you go from the first stanza to the third; the 2nd and 3rd stanzas say basically the same thing as the first, just using different metaphors. They don't give the reader any insight into the source of this pain. Also, 'lost in a sea of despair' is sort of a cliche.
	• permalink • reply with quote
6/19/2017 7:40:04 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	You have a concept and a good first effort. The word you want in the first line is "consensus" not "census". You may not be thinking of meter, but you should. Your lines average about 8 syllables. I worked out four lines for you and they sound good: Consensus was in and I lost. Illusions had tricked me. I’m stuck in their reality, living a crazy fallacy.
	• permalink • reply with quote