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5/20/2017 6:09:48 PM Ekso Ekso Posts: 1	Hey all, first and foremost I appreciate you taking your time to form an evaluation. Without further ado, the poem which is called "I Swim with Sharks": What loosens the knot that kept together hair in a bun from falling asunder? Beats me but the sea blows wind that sets me at ease, I dip a toe in the water in reply to the tease, on the edge, considering what benefit is release if my one whole piece dissolves in the fluid fleece. I dive in, more like throw in my regard for safety sinking to the ocean floor in shreds while my need for the same into deeper water treads… I swim with sharks. I left my caution by the door, swimsuit and virtues by the shore, What could I ever gain from this chore? So the fear calls my name no more. My compass points the needle without a clue, so I dance around the teeth that nip the blue but will rip my muscles so I stay for the stew. My life that bleeds and feeds the ocean hue leads the predators to prey, but who is who when the sharks know I pose a danger, too? I swim with sharks. I left my caution by the door, swimsuit and virtues by the shore, What the hell do I do this for? So the fear calls my name no more. Till then, I answer. Something feels missing, especially around the end. My intent with the last line is to be a potent, short and sweet one-liner, but I'm not sure if it fell short. In addition, I would appreciate feedback about the other aspects of the poem.
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5/22/2017 4:32:52 AM Tony Devers Posts: 7	I think the last line works well. It leaves an absence - what, or who, do you answer - that pulls the reader back into the poem, and thus into the shark infested waters. The use of rhyme adds emphasis and reinforces the drive of the poem. Perhaps be careful of over doing it though. As for something being missing - perhaps trust the reader to fill in the gaps? edited by Tony Devers on 5/22/2017
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5/23/2017 1:21:49 AM Carole Duet Posts: 2	I would change the last line to: "Til then, I swim". But, that's just me. -- Carole Duet
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