Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/16/2017 9:38:21 AM
Felicia Jarvis Posts: 7
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I refined my poem previously posted in this forum.
Someone said that I have a grammar mistake.
Please read the following poem;
Tiny Droplets
Tiny droplets released from plants Gently touches things of all sorts to cool burning anger to relieve this passive fear and soften the hearts of we the cursed dead, finally returning to the ground.
The person pointed out the line, "and soften the hearts of we the cursed dead,"
Do you feel strange with the line, especially "we" ? I don't feel so. Please help me to understand if it is wrong to use the word "we" there.
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5/17/2017 2:32:41 PM
Elle Meadow Posts: 15
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"We" is incorrect and it should be "us".
"We" is used when it is the subject and "us" when it is the object.
You are also missing a comma
and soften the hearts of us, the cursed dead,
You also have a tense issue:-
released (line 1) past tense
touches (line 2) is present tense
to cool (line 3) and 'to relieve (line 4) are future tense
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5/17/2017 4:55:50 PM
Jerome Malenfant Posts: 26
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Yes, "we" should be "us", and it should be "touched", to agree with "released", but I think "to cool" and "to relieve" are okay: "..touched...to cool...to relieve", meaning "touched with the intention of cooling" etc.
"Soften" should be either "softened" to agree with "released", or changed to "to soften". Also "returning" doesn't look like the right tense; maybe "return to the ground".
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