Book: Reflection on the Important Things

Get Your Premium Membership

Poetry Forum

home recent topics recent posts search faq

Forum Home » High Critique » How do you feel? Please help.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/16/2017 9:38:21 AM

Felicia Jarvis
Posts: 7
I refined my poem previously posted in this forum.

Someone said that I have a grammar mistake.

Please read the following poem;



Tiny Droplets


Tiny droplets released from plants
Gently touches things of all sorts
to cool burning anger
to relieve this passive fear
and soften the hearts of we the cursed dead,
finally returning to the ground.

The person pointed out the line,
"and soften the hearts of we the cursed dead,"

Do you feel strange with the line, especially "we" ? I don't feel so.
Please help me to understand if it is wrong to use the word "we" there.
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2017 2:32:41 PM

Elle Meadow
Posts: 15
"We" is incorrect and it should be "us".




"We" is used when it is the subject and "us" when it is the object.





You are also missing a comma





and soften the hearts of us, the cursed dead,




You also have a tense issue:-


released (line 1) past tense

touches (line 2) is present tense

to cool (line 3) and 'to relieve (line 4) are future tense
permalink • reply with quote
5/17/2017 4:55:50 PM

Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
Yes, "we" should be "us", and it should be "touched", to agree with "released", but I think "to cool" and "to relieve" are okay: "..touched...to cool...to relieve", meaning "touched with the intention of cooling" etc.


"Soften" should be either "softened" to agree with "released", or changed to "to soften". Also "returning" doesn't look like the right tense; maybe "return to the ground".
permalink • reply with quote

Forum Home » High Critique » How do you feel? Please help.




Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software