5/12/2017 1:32:50 PM
SOHOM GUPTA
Posts: 3
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The poem is overall fine, except that you've made certain errors that you really need to rectify.
Check your spellings thoroughly (see passion in the poem).
Also, check your grammar please. In the last line, the comma should precede the 'or', not succeed it, as otherwise the meaning becomes different and inappropriate.
Your poem should go a bit smoother I think, you can try to appropriately set the syllables as otherwise, one line is too long and the other too short
(like: "They hold so much meaning being,
So heartfelt
Opening in me a deep rapture that I have,
Never before felt").
And don't worry about the alignment, it's not a major problem
And yes, "They hold so much meaning, being,
Put in the green comma and remove the red one.
And further, you can if you want strengthen your vocabulary in this poem (it may be strong ).
Stronger and crisper words fetch more attraction.
Anyways, a wonderful try on your part, and if you update your skills, you have the potential to bring
out something good. So, keep writing and keep posting! CHEERS!
edited by sg on 5/12/2017
edited by sg on 5/12/2017
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5/12/2017 1:39:19 PM
SOHOM GUPTA
Posts: 3
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The overall meaning of the poem is very good. I won't have much to say about the content, it's quite good.
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5/15/2017 12:41:05 AM
Elle Meadow
Posts: 15
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So if I understand what you are trying to say, the short lines form their own poem with the larger poem. So if I take out the long lines, the short lines that remain should be an understandable poem.
Do you think that this makes sense?
So infatuated
But left me intoxicated
Ever crossed
I could get lost
Almost like a sin
To pull me in
Song like verse
Being so diverse
So heartfelt
Never before felt
Wants to convey
What I can't say
Its strong pull
Mind, body, and soul
Holding it even tighter
Was it the "Writer"
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5/19/2017 9:32:10 PM
Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
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Really nice poem. But I don't think there should be commas after most of the long lines. I.e. the first two lines should read as one phrase: "I find it strange how one can become/So infatuated...". Likewise with most of the other long/short lines.
The 3rd line reads as if its the words that you've never met, but I think what you mean is "With the words of someone I've never met".
7th line: What does 'speaks' refer to, the someone or the words? This is not clear. Also, 'passion' with only 2 s's.
11 line: "As I hold onto each word, allowing them/To pull me in"
15th line : "Not realizing I'm in his words very reality," Not sure what this means.
17th line: "They hold so much meaning, being/So heartfelt,"
23rd line: "Deep meaningful words leaving me speechless,/What I can't say" The "What I can't say" is unclear or awkward or both. Maybe "Unable to say"? (But then unable to say what?) Or "So many things unable to say"? (Maybe too long).
Next-to-last line: Maybe instead "Was it the words themselves that he wrote/Or was it the Writer?" I don't think that Writer needs to be in quotes.
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5/20/2017 4:15:01 PM
Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
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Actually I think I liked it better when it was broken up into alternating long and short lines.
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5/20/2017 5:09:08 PM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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I agree with Jerome. This has been totally changed by those who think they know what and how you wanted to write. I wouldn't say that it has been ruined, however, it is not the piece that it once was.
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5/20/2017 9:56:27 PM
Gwen Benita Mason Gibbs
Posts: 6
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I think it's a very good poem, good job.
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5/27/2017 1:55:36 AM
Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
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I think the structure of the original poem, with alternative long and short lines, was much more interesting, as well as easier to read, but it could use some minor revisions, (such as in the punctuation, among others), to make some of the lines clearer, as indicated by my and others' comments.
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