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5/5/2017 3:28:27 AM Darren White Posts: 31	I wrote this poem in 2016, about a month after I started writing poetry in English. Although I am fond of the poem, I'd like to hear some serious criticism on how I could improve myself, not just the imagery, choice of words, but also rhyme, meter, and choice of rhyme form. Anything is welcome, thank you *** Closing my eyes I can see you again My whirligig, dancing as if on water Not watching my fingers play Bow loosely threaded like your bangs Red reflected in the flames behind you Bouncing warmth and longing While my hands tire, arms sink My violin hits the ground... I hear them say Boy, play me some more, their faces Grey and distorted... all I want to see Is you, all I want is your husky voice The rasp of fresh beard on my skin Walking to the dying fire, trampling ashes Raising my arms and once more seeing You, arms around me, dancing together Your soft hum in my ear, while you hold my Violin high, bowing for me, striking a chord forever in my heart *** August 2016 Copyright © Darren White edited by dWite on 5/5/2017 edited by dWite on 5/23/2017
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5/14/2017 9:10:13 PM J-Mag Guthrie Posts: 11	Hello, I am here for two reasons--one is that you are the only person to comment my work. The other is that I believe in giving critique as both help to the recipient (obvious) and to the giver (less obvious--but it helps train my critical eye). My Aunt Sas who is a serious poet and someone whom I look up to, suggests that -ing verb forms seldom belong in poems. I'm still new enough that I'm not comfortable with the suggestion that you toss them to the wayside. On the whole, this seems wordier than it needs to be. You use "eyes" and "dancing" twice each in the first stanza, for example. I think maybe you could say the same thing in either fewer or different words. And in the final line, you can leave out the first "in my heart" and have only "forever in my heart" as it conveys what you want to say. I sometimes suggest is make a sort of map of what each stanza should say and then figure out how to say it most effectively. I really like some of your word choices (for example, "rasp" and "husky"). I'd really like to see you work the wordplay of "beau" into your poem, but that's my voice, not yours -- don't do it on my say-so. edited by astroannie on 5/14/2017 -- the paragraph spacing was weird edited by astroannie on 5/14/2017
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5/21/2017 12:31:34 PM Darren White Posts: 31	Oh boy.... I really wish we would get a notification when someone replies to your forum posts... I only see this now. Thank you for replying to my test-post. I was mostly posting here to see if the forum gets livelier, it's not really the most visited place on Soup. Thank you for your comments. You are absolutely right what the -ing words are concerned. This is one of my earliest poems I've written in English, and I wasn't aware of this. I hope that in my more recent poems I have improved this (I do believe they belong in a poem, just not too many!) Eyes and dancing. You are right! Do you know I had not even noticed that until you mentioned it? What exactly do you mean by "beau". You mean the word we usually differently use: "boo"? Thanks, Darren. edited by dWite on 5/21/2017
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5/22/2017 5:49:18 AM J-Mag Guthrie Posts: 11	"Beau" is said to sound like "bow" (they are homophones or homonyms -- I've heard people use both terms) the thing that you draw across the strings of the violin. It means boyfriend/lover/intended. It's an English borrow from the French. The English word "beautiful" is a cousin.
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5/22/2017 6:47:40 AM Darren White Posts: 31	Yes, exactly... We say "boo" instead, so I was a little confused if that was what you were hinting at. Merci beaucoup!
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5/23/2017 7:48:42 AM Darren White Posts: 31	I id edit some. If I am to work more beau into the poem, I'd better rewrite it completely. If I do that, I will start a new thread, but it will take some time
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