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Forum Home » High Critique » Midlife Crises: comments please.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/4/2017 9:47:00 AM

Dean Wood
Posts: 31
Midlife Crisis
by Dean Wood

As youth flows out with middle age,
I find it hard to turn the page.
Life deals the cards and calls our name.
We ante up, or leave the game.

Working, saving, spending, craving

If life is gauged by things we own
By glorious deeds so widely known,
Then I must fold; in shame confess,
“I've lost this hand, I've failed the test.”

Labor, scheming, planning, dreaming

The dreams of youth are so elusive,
Love and fortune, so exclusive,
Time now keeps them beyond my grasp,
The lock of age is on the hasp.

Practice, yearning, study, learning

Notions in granite, supplanted anew,
Ideals so innocent and true
That filled my adolescent thoughts,
Replaced with truth; by patience wrought.

Knowledge, growing, wisdom showing

Life is not over! Not soiled with rust!
The dawn is now! A light to trust.
My coffers fill to overflowing.
Treasures humble, still are growing.

Riches tallied, courage rallied

Home and family; sacred ground,
With spouse and children gathered 'round,
A stronghold, safe from worldly trouble.
My life's net worth has been redoubled.
edited by Dean Wood on 8/30/2017
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5/30/2017 12:16:47 AM

Diane Belmont
Posts: 3
I like the way you inserted single lines throughout your verse, it was as if you were reinforcing your own thoughts from another side of yourself.
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5/31/2017 2:54:57 PM

Beverly Read
Posts: 3
Nice write, but I think the last line of the first stanza would read better like this:
We ante up or leave the game.
Then it matches the last lines of other stanzas with 8 syllables. Just a thought.
edited by swandotter on 5/31/2017
edited by swandotter on 5/31/2017
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8/24/2017 9:11:38 AM

Dean Wood
Posts: 31
Thank you all for your kind words. I will change that last line in the 1st stanza. Nice catch! It is great to have others give constructive suggestions. Thanks again, Dean
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8/29/2017 2:58:39 AM

Darren White
Posts: 31
Because of the single lines between stanzas, I am not sure if there is a poetic form that exactly covers this, but otherwise I would call it couplets,
If you want all of your stanzas and lines the same length, i.e. 8 syllables, then there are more lines in your poem that do not fit. If you don't mind that, I'd leave it as is, and focus more on the natural flow of your lines. For the most part that works well, but for instance a line like: "Time has placed them beyond my grasp" 'stutters' a little, if you see what I mean.
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8/30/2017 10:11:22 AM

Dean Wood
Posts: 31
Thanks Darren, I will look at that!
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8/31/2017 10:45:28 PM

Michael Vacek
Posts: 10
You have 5 supporting stanzas... Pick the best 3. Drop 2...make it rev. You have my problem. I say too much. Less said, more powerful...let the reader fill the gap with self.
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