For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/31/2011 7:26:02 PM
Marilin Rodriguez
Posts: 3
|
Can you save me
Save me save me
Save Me
Lift me out of this hole
Give life to my soul
Help me find my dreams
Put an end to the screams
Can you save me
Save me save me
Breath hope into my lungs
Stop the demons from speaking in tongue
Reaching for you with all my might
I need you to hold on tight
Can you save me
Save me save me
Will you battle with the gloom
So I can step out of this tomb
Bring salvation to my spirit
I’m desperate, can’t you hear it?
Can you save me
Save me save me
In your image I need to be born again
God, can you wash away my sins
I’m on my knees begging , praying
Trying to ignore what the devil is saying
Can you save me
Save me save me
For my misdeeds I atone
All my life I thought I was alone
I realize that I was wrong
In your divine arms I belong
Can you save me
Save me save me
Oh, God I know you’re here
I give myself unto you without fear
Please Lord God save me
Can you save me
Save me save me
edited by Maria Lynn on 3/31/2011
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/1/2011 2:40:31 PM
Manouchka doreus
Posts: 23
|
try to keep the stanza pattern matching... love the creativity and rhyming but be careful because too much will come off as if you're trying too hard... the repetition also is perfect. be careful that your message is taken the right way because at the beginning the first stanza had me under the impression that the person asking to be saved was trapped in a nightmare...
edited by mrzcheekerz on 4/1/2011
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/2/2011 6:07:16 AM
RAQUEL p
Posts: 12
|
I am in love with this poem. It is as simple as that. It is extremely powerful I love it 
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/4/2011 3:39:40 PM
Manouchka doreus
Posts: 23
|
well good job on it
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/5/2011 8:46:55 AM
Black Eyed Susan
Posts: 2
|
This reads like a song - do you consider it lyrics or a poem? Also, I didn't know the person you wanted to save you was God until the 4th stanza. I was imagining a lover, or ex. I like the lines "Breathe hope into my lungs/Stop the demons from speaking in tongue."
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/6/2011 10:41:35 AM
Marilin Rodriguez
Posts: 3
|
Thank you all for your time and critiques
@Susan Burch I wrote it as a poem, however some people think it could work as lyrics.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
5/16/2011 10:49:43 PM
Matt Hunt
Posts: 10
|
I am one who can actually here a song out of this. You could format it either way, and I think it would be a success.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
7/18/2011 6:45:31 PM
Paloma Walker
Posts: 4
|
"I'm desperate, can't you hear it?" I love that.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/5/2011 1:37:20 AM
Howard Bull
Posts: 4
|
I like it because I can tell what it's about. If it were mine would try to work on the meter and get a little rythm into it. I would also try to remove words to make it more 'economic' and punchy.
edited by Skodster on 8/5/2011
edited by Skodster on 8/5/2011
--
An occasional poet but I feel the urge stirring again....
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
9/4/2011 11:30:35 PM
Keith Baker
Posts: 18
|
I think you should make the entity you are pleading with more ambiguous, let the reader decide if it is God or a person and it will reach more people. Also, lose the italics, makes it look cheap unless you are using them to imply a chorus as in a song then replace the multiple uses with 'Refrain'.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/4/2012 1:18:49 AM
femi joey oloidi
Posts: 13
|
From my view, this poem is prefect with all views of clarity. No matter the population of critique's, it can never be better, because; it's already what it is,a wonder from God. This poem has just simply 'Saved Me'. I respect criticism, but come to think of it, from the lens of a critique, a poem is never finished, because; the always believe that a million poems can be made out of a single poem, that's where they come in. And they never come in, if the work is not attractive and well assembled. This show's that this poem, in one word, is 'Amazing'. well done Marilin.
Kingfemi.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/11/2012 9:32:45 AM
Lynn Dolly
Posts: 133
|
This is great)) This has soul. I'd rather read soul than formatting!
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/12/2012 9:16:35 AM
Bradley Cox
Posts: 3
|
Voice's am i responsible for all my failure's?
Am i the king of mistake's?
Have i been lead astray?
I have had bad judgement with women i have dated.
I have so many trouble's in my life
i don't even no what i am looking for
or which way to go.
Do i listen to the voice's in my head?
--
Bradley Cox
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|