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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/1/2017 5:54:42 PM

Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
Weeks slip

Dreams flip

Again & again

It'll happen in ten

nine eight seven six

Good little workers pick up sticks

five four three two

Dear little baby, the next one is you




Eat your bread

Go to bed

The clock strikes ten

Again & again

We are free men

Just a' waitin' for when

that whistle gets blown

lettin' us go on home

Where we bow down our faces and give thanks at last

to our Savior, our Comrade, bless'd Iconoclast




Red little hen

You remember when

you told us we should know

that you reap what you sow

"We should have that bread too!"

We demanded of you

Yet you selfishly stood & reminded us that

Idle souls crave, while the earnest get fat




Old ways

By-gone days

We were bound by The Ten

Again & again

We are surely free now

Hen was old anyhow

Now we toil at will

In the field, in the mill

Done away with that moral delusion of old

We've evolved, we are free, we will not be controlled

Now rid from the rule of that fairy Godhead

Our new leader has graced us with Circus & Bread

Gladly we serve that new champion of ours

Who has sworn to deliver us straight to the stars




"1. Simply do as I say

2. And you mustn't to pray

3. And lay down your arms, you're now free from all harms

4. And pay me your dues

5. And allow me to choose, what's best from your head right down to your shoes

6. Give me your blood

7. And your sweat

8. And your tears, For only through I can you live out your years, hand in hand with your brother, your sister, your friend, In prosperity, lightness, and peace till the end

9. And promise to love me with all of your heart

10. Swear that, even in famine, we never shall part"




So we strap on our boots, march in line nice & straight

For our liberator, our darling, The State.
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1/2/2017 3:06:59 PM

Doug Vinson
Posts: 102
Nicely done, Carolyn. Consistently bleak, and indeed - there are always forces more than willing to use the masses. I don't have any criticism for your poem, but I can see many differing individual responses to it as we read, just as we go through life in a variety of modes.
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1/2/2017 8:19:48 PM

Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
Thank you Doug, really appreciate the feedback!
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