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12/12/2016 2:13:56 AM Trey Hamner Posts: 4	Mere Combat in the Crucible In front of the vestibule the dragon slumbers Atop a skeletal heap of unfathomable numbers Like the despair that guards my fatigued core Surrounded by the ruin of all that I implore Beside the parlor bearing my unadorned diadem Broods a scorned and jealous leviathan As the scarab pushes the sun across the sky My worry andanxiety continue to ramify The imprisoned kraken waits with ominous patience Beneath the bedrock and the foundations The primeval serpent slithers around the apple of my eye As my vigor wanes and my dread intensifies However, I will never yield, I will fight forever, with my sword, with my shield I reach for Excalibur, I reach for Mjolnir, I reach for Moses' Rod And I summon the power that comes only from the true God I wrestle my demons, I fight my fiends, and I clash with my foes And I reclaim back from their greedy tendrils my hard-won repose Thus is the plight of recovery With each new height and discovery Comes a new battle to wage That I might enter my "golden age"
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12/21/2016 10:50:30 PM Doug Vinson Posts: 102	Trey, my opinions: I love the first two lines. Love love love. Then, despair guards your fatigued core - seems a little contradictory to me, i.e. "guards" implies some beneficial aspect; how can despair do that? And - surrounded by the ruin of all that you implore - seems too open-ended to me; you are imploring, begging, asking strongly for...what? Diadem and ramify - good words for poems, but perhaps unknown to many readers? Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but could lead to less comments. It's not bad to stretch out or indulge our vocabularies - I'm just thinking that people click on a poem, if they're after the quick fix, the easy hit, they may scan and quickly go on to another poem. The poem also changes line length and rhythm a good bit - my gut feeling is that this will filter out some readers. Just guesses here. 60 views, 0 comments - I wonder, too. Doug
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12/22/2016 8:34:24 PM Trey Hamner Posts: 4	Thank you Doug, I will take your ideas to heart.
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12/24/2016 9:10:41 AM Doug Vinson Posts: 102	Oh lord, what have I done? Trey, you're already making great poems and winning/placing high in poetry contests. I feel like I have to say, "Holy Crow, man, don't change yourself!"
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1/1/2017 6:18:44 PM Carolyn Fish Posts: 12	Love this. This poem is similar to how I write some of mine, lots of archaic references and imagery, gods and mythology.. Absolutely love it. I certainly wouldn't mind some feedback on some of my poetry if you ever get the chance.
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1/9/2017 1:57:11 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	Great fantasy poetry, but I see some superfluous language. For instance: Mere Combat in the Crucible In front of vestibule a great dragon slumbers Atop skeletal heap of unfathomable numbers Like despair that guards my fatigued core Surrounded ruin of all that I implore
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5/17/2017 4:32:47 PM Jerome Malenfant Posts: 26	Some comments and suggested edits: Separate the title from the text so people don't think that's the first line. Some of the lines would sound better if shortened and with fewer adjectives: "Atop a skeletal heap of unfathomed numbers" "Like the despair that guards my core" "My worry and anxiety continue to ramify" --awkward "The imprisoned kraken waits with patience" "Beneath the bedrock and foundations" "The primeval serpent slithers around the apple of my eye" Huh?? What does "apple of my eye" mean here? "As my vigor wanes and my dread intensifies"--- somewhat awkward. "I reach for Excalibur, I reach for Mjolnir, I reach for Moses' Rod; I summon the power that comes only from God. I wrestle my demons, I fight my fiends, I clash with my foes, And reclaim from them all of my hard-won repose." Finally I would not put quotes around "golden age" in the last line.
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