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3/27/2011 12:20:58 AM dave archuletta Posts: 10	I am the author who has just started to write; I think my stuff is a little cornball-ish. Is it just me? -- David Archuletta
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3/27/2011 12:55:05 PM julie heckman Posts: 17	Hi dave. I really appreciate you how articulate you are. Amall unkneeded words like: "was this", "whenever," "forever", etc. for example: "Moreover, there was total surrender to this pain"...I would have written it in this way: "and she totally surrendered to the pain" very simple loosing excessive Words don't forget the similies and metaphors..."the pain devoured heras a lion devours a lamb calf... or something like that Good luck...Great start!
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3/27/2011 2:51:53 PM dave archuletta Posts: 10	thank you julie, i'm learning [at least i think so...] -- David Archuletta
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3/27/2011 4:47:26 PM dave archuletta Posts: 10	hi julie, i hope you dont think that youve created a monster. i tried to improve, and it seem to work, flow better. i promise nt to bother, but is this revise headed in the right direction, anyone? i got thick skin... -- David Archuletta
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3/28/2011 6:17:49 PM Lucas Williams Posts: 10	hey youve got some pretty good articulation here. the imagery rides through very well till the end i say mainly the use of the word phalanx which serves its meaning properly although i think it changes the theme of the imagery. I defanitly feel this poem when i read it good job
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