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6/20/2016 7:51:42 AM Mike Jones Posts: 8	I wrote this poem last year and would like to write another. Any tips to make the next better would be of great help. I'm alone as I lay missing you, Weary is my heart while burning in pain, For my love shall remain here for you. When dawn breaks my broken heart heals anew, Nightfall draws closer while my heart cries in vain, I'm alone as I lay missing you. My soul feels helpless but remains for you true, Your memory compels me while my happiness wanes, For my love shall remain here for you. Perhaps the devil is collecting his due, Hopelessly forcing my feelings in chains, I'm alone as I lay missing you. Whilst my feeling for your touch in lieu, Sorrow hath covered my heart causing stains, For my love shall remain here for you. If only these moments subsided to few, The sensation of bereavement refrained, I'm alone as I lay missing you, For my love shall remain here for you. edited by Alone Star on 6/20/2016
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6/20/2016 8:06:06 AM Mike Jones Posts: 8	Be brutal I don't care lol
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6/20/2016 12:43:32 PM Mike Jones Posts: 8	Gee thx... Lol
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6/20/2016 1:06:41 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	Well done. The form is correct, but there seems to be some issues with meter. Some of your lines are too long. For instance the third stanza could be: My helpless soul remains true Memories of us cause happiness to wane For my love shall remain here for you. This could be considered personal aesthetics. Your poem works as it is, but I would work on it some more.
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6/20/2016 10:27:13 PM Mike Jones Posts: 8	Thank you that's exactly what I was looking for. I will work on it. Thanks again.
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6/23/2016 5:38:27 AM Lisa Costigan Posts: 12	really enjoyed this well doneAlone Star wrote: I wrote this poem last year and would like to write another. Any tips to make the next better would be of great help. I'm alone as I lay missing you, Weary is my heart while burning in pain, For my love shall remain here for you. When dawn breaks my broken heart heals anew, Nightfall draws closer while my heart cries in vain, I'm alone as I lay missing you. My soul feels helpless but remains for you true, Your memory compels me while my happiness wanes, For my love shall remain here for you. Perhaps the devil is collecting his due, Hopelessly forcing my feelings in chains, I'm alone as I lay missing you. Whilst my feeling for your touch in lieu, Sorrow hath covered my heart causing stains, For my love shall remain here for you. If only these moments subsided to few, The sensation of bereavement refrained, I'm alone as I lay missing you, For my love shall remain here for you. edited by Alone Star on 6/20/2016
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6/23/2016 5:45:01 AM Mike Jones Posts: 8	Thank you Lisa
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9/23/2016 5:31:49 PM Jerome Malenfant Posts: 26	Try using the active voice more: "My heart is weary and burns in pain". Why does your broken heart "heals anew" just because it's dawn? Try "As nightfall draws closer my heart cries in vain". The repeated phase "I'm alone as I lay missing you" could be used to break the poem up into stanzas, making it easier to read, with that being the first line of the stanza.
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