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8/4/2015 8:48:53 AM Hannah Tobin Posts: 2	I started on this piece today and would really like some comments and criticism for it. I'm not 100% sure on the direction and would like some help! The title is a working title... He’s the Devil there’s a boy with fire in his eyes and trouble in his veins. his words are mischief his smile is the devil and he has you trapped. every waking moment you can’t stop thinking about the touch, his skin against yours his hands in your hair, what would happen if you could just hold him close and kiss him.
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8/11/2015 3:02:51 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	Well done, but some may be put off by use of second person "you". Am wondering if first person perspective "I" would help?
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8/12/2015 3:52:03 PM George LeBlanc Posts: 7	I definitely agree that your piece should be in the first person. To me, the title is a little off. Maybe "The Devil In His Eyes" or something having to do with eyes since you made that connection with the reader at the very beginning. It's just a thought. Otherwise, nicely done. -- The words whisper when they are ready to be born.
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8/16/2015 4:32:45 AM Edlynn Nau Posts: 6	YES, agreed on first person! Also title is too obvious. Think about a title that helps us anticipate what your wanting...the kiss, but doesn't say so in the title. Something like, "IGNITE"
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8/27/2015 2:36:05 PM Shaan Babu Posts: 6	I like it and would agree on using the first person. good write up!
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8/28/2015 8:50:45 PM SUNIL MATHUR Posts: 8	A very readable piece, smooth and fast-flowing. Since the poem is about the boy rather than your experiences with him, I feel 'you' does just as well as 'I'. "he has you trapped" appears too mundane and commonplace. You could perhaps think of something better, such as 'entranced'. Capital letter at the beginning and after full-stops could be considered. Perhaps a full-stop after 'hair' and a capital letter after that. The 'him' after 'kiss' is not really needed.
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