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6/22/2015 4:07:03 PM K.M North Posts: 97	saw Nick down at the Whammy Bar he was with the girl from Soho while I was rocking it solo and when we walked in the people knew our names like they were family or friends or we were in some sitcom from the eighties Nick loved up on the jukebox Jawbreaker was all he ever played little Soho banged her head during "see thru skin" it all came back to me in a flash reminding me of Em she was in Boston these days scene queen of the lower east side "may 4th" and knees to the sky the gang ordered shots while I was shooting glances at some bird who wore that summer dress like she was waiting for the confessional and then the song came on and I was thinking about some mistake from last year I wondered if she still hated me and then the bird came over and introduced herself her name was Kori, friends called her HardKori I called her Sabatoge and we went ahead and did our shots Nick had Little Soho Em had the guy who played the solos and I had a bird with a name I didn't know then the jukebox kicked out "I love you so much it's killing us both" and I took a knee it was like a fist to the stomach a hammer to the gut and when I finally stood up the bird was choking down some sort of guy who liked sketchy metal and probably drove a camero Nick left with Soho and the guy broke Em's heart in two my bird road shotgun in a car with t-tops and I drank a bar tab I'll never pay off and when "kiss the bottle" started to play I just start to cry cause nights like these don't help me stay alive and mornings like tomorrow are made up of where do I go from here and what the hell have I become edited by Reisenhoffer on 6/22/2015
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6/30/2015 7:10:07 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	The question writers should ask is, “Who is my audience?”Obviously if you’re writing a diary or confessional poetry this question may beoverlooked. This poem may be trying to be confessional, but it reads too clichéand pop-culture to work for an audience not in the advertiser’s loop, or inthis case the poet’s circle of friends. The word “bird” to refer to women wassixties slang in England. Somebody has been watching Austin Powers or likessounding like an old pervert. The choice to not use punctuation doesn’t helpmatters here. The poet is not saying anything that needs punctuation. Here’s arewrite of the first stanza: Saw Nick at the strip club/ Gettin’ a couch dance so low / WhileI was checkin’ the act solo/ a delicate bird asked me for a smoke/ She knew our names, just regular blokes/ We’re the in crowd, not family/ Chillin’ and thrillin’ and enjoyin’ the par-tay! edited by graphitedrug on 6/30/2015
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7/6/2015 10:25:00 AM K.M North Posts: 97	Ok I'll say this first and foremost, if you've read one of my books you'd be familiar with The Whammy Bar, it's not a strip club but a bar, and completely made up. I can understand your dislike of my pop culture references {such as the Jawbreaker lines} which would make a bit more sense if you read some of my other stuff {since they kind of go hand in hand}. I believe that Poetry comes in two forms-Story telling and Personal story telling. I get the cliched aspect, since it's all somewhat tongue-in-cheek {check the Cheers references}. It was supposed to be something fun to read and enjoy. As for "Bird" I like the way that sounds thanks. And also all writing at this point is cliched and some version of something already written.
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