Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/10/2015 6:29:34 PM
K.M North Posts: 97
|
and all those girls we kissed
the ones with the scars from desperate lonely nights on their wrists
we played the songs until we broke the speakers
boys were ripe with wondering hands
and the girls with their talented fingers
and when we'd all come together
some of the best times I can remember
and when me and her would come together
i swore it'd never get any better
we tossed around faithful four letter words
even though we knew we were faithless and impure
sometimes we'd disappear for days at a time
come back three days drunk and still feeling high
the bands would play as the fires died
and we'd down our double whiskey cokes with no ice
and when we'd all come together
some of the best times I can remember
and when me and her would come together
i swore it'd never get any better
we were the worst sins
on the most innocent lips
i was a vague saint
she was thunderstruck when she came
the girls and the guys
they're either drunk or high
once you're born here
you're a townie for life
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/14/2015 4:14:58 PM
Graphite Drug Posts: 81
|
A rather juvenile compilation of cliché kitch. Some attemptat meter would probably help it more than any rhyme. “we were the worst sins/on the most innocent lips” Rather, “we wore the worst sins/ on most innocent oflips” It is much easier to refrain from explaining feet and accent and just suggestthat you try making your lines an even length. You’re trying. There areprofessionals on this website. Try capitalizing “I”.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
4/14/2015 4:38:39 PM
K.M North Posts: 97
|
Well thanks Man, I'll called you Drug. It actually goes together with a set of like 7 other ones I just posted it on here for fun. It might read a bit funny simply cause it's a song rather than a strict poem, thus I totally get your idea for changing around wording a bit. As cliche as it might be, this is literally every single person I went to high school with. Also my writing program doesn't capitalize anything {makes it awfully annoying, I wish I had my old writing program, the new one for windows 8.1 is so awful it's not funny} so I apologize for not fixing it, I had fixed the other things I've posted just so you know. I was simply too lazy to do that for this one. The professional thing, was that about the capitalization? or just in general? edited by Reisenhoffer on 4/14/2015
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software