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12/1/2014 12:50:47 AM shannon april alice Posts: 2	Seven times I told you, Seventy pins in seventy dolls on seventy dusty shelves in New Orleans backrooms. Seven times I warned you Seven hundred aches, seven hundred acres I run across. I outrun the burn and I outrun the grief The witch in me, I race with her too. Seven miles to run, seven miles behind. And I pass that playful laugh of yours, grab at it and stick it in my pocket, shove it deep, deep in my pocket. And I pass that twinkle in your eyes and I grab that too, send it on a paper rocket flying the speed of light into seven universes far away. I grab that last promise the one that was slippery and hard to hold onto. I grab it and hold it tight And I run. I told you I would (you looked so surprised). I run and my bones hit the ground with the rhythm and pulse of a tribal drummer He drums out in my head Run, Run, rabbit. Run. He drinks my optimism from a cup, then beats his drum. Run, chickadee, run run. He vomits my clarity at my feet all the while his brown weathered hands drum a ceaseless beat. Run, baby. He loves you not, run. On the seventh day I run from you and I find that I am made now from the down of your hair so I run until I am bald. I find that I am made now from the frost that grows like stalagmites dripping from your tongue. I am made up from the laces of your promises tied neatly into a bow. Celtic knot of assurances and reassurances. I am made up of stolen glances and knowing sighs of lovers lost afternoons. I run. I am made up of your indecision. They bounce gleefully inside me. "I don't know, I don't know..." they insist as they hit walls and corners in careless randomness. They are lazy, I outrun them with ease. Seven times I told you, Itchy souls need no encouragement to find it's lover, Isolation. Seven miles between me and you Seven hundred to go. Sahn 6/12/14
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12/1/2014 12:51:30 AM shannon april alice Posts: 2	i'd like an honest reaction.
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1/9/2015 10:28:05 AM richard poor Posts: 5	hi...ok.eing a man of voodoo I get this, it just needs some tuning...take out a lot of your "ands"..try to condense it all down,but your idea is great
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1/15/2015 4:34:28 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	This is good work. The subject of voodoo seems prominent throughout. What gains attention is the use of material imagery for immaterial subjects like laughter, promise, and optimism. I enjoyed reading it. I hope you continue doing more.
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1/22/2015 1:10:36 PM Jaycee Cervenka Posts: 5	Put some breaks here and there and tighten some of the language a bit. Get rid of the ands that start sentences, they are just adding to the word overuse. Also put a stanza break where thought changes. I read several times though and am not sure where I would put them so the "run" does not slow down. some of the line breaks look a bit unnatural but that may be because of spacing here. Use them to pull your reader to your next line or end them when you want to slow down.
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