For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/18/2014 3:58:50 AM
Shawn Hall Posts: 2
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I know that this is a busy site, and that most everyone is busy in general, but I was quite surprised not to receive but one single comment post, and that from a very nice, very welcoming moderator, of sorts, who writes comments on almost everyone's posts, bless her heart.
So, anyhow, what's wrong? I figure that there must be SOMETHING. Be brutally honest, but remember: there is a highly sensitive writer on this end! And I find it very difficult when I am told that I have an "ugly baby!"
A Service Member's Prayer
Oh, God, I feel that I have cause To know my life might give You pause, But fair as You are sure to be, I seek Your way on bended knee. I wish neither to kill nor die, Though from engagement I'll not shy. For if my duty calls me there, I'll do whatever I must dare.
I seek not courage for the fight. I seek not comfort from the night. I ask not pardon for my deeds, Nor any salve for any needs. I only ask to know what's right, To do my best to check my might, To render mercy where I should, To know I serve the greater good.
Oh, God, if You will hear my plea, I ask so very much of thee. I fear not men, I fear not death, Yet bow my head and still my breath To ask You, please, to do Your best, To keep me from eternal rest, Until the hour my duty sends Me home to family and friends.
And if You grant my humble prayer, Oh, God, I ask You, keep from care Those people whom I hold most dear. I wish them not to shed a tear In anguish over days now done, Where my dawn was their setting sun. For then, if You will grant my plea, I'll soon be nearer them and Thee.
Copyright Shawn H. Hall 2014
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10/18/2014 4:18:37 PM
Bob Atkinson Posts: 294
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Shawn, nice poetic technique, although have a problem with the premise that those who fight in wars are supported by the deity. Those who kill in the name of religion are Godless, or don't you know?
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10/22/2014 3:11:15 PM
paul martin Posts: 12
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have to agree ,nothing wrong with style or technique,you have avoided cliches and poem flows grand,however it’s the sediment of poem that might put people off,the idea that it is acceptable to kill or be killed in the name of a god tihis could be be the justification for the scum that is ISIS or al queda or the muderous crusaders, good well written poem though
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10/27/2014 5:52:06 AM
Bob Atkinson Posts: 294
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"... Wit employed in dressing up obscenity is like the art used in painting a corpse: it may be thus rendered tolerable to one sense, but fails not quickly to offend some other ..." Oliver Goldsmith
edited by Bob_Atkinson on 10/27/2014
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11/9/2014 8:29:27 PM
K River Posts: 9
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AceHall wrote:
I know that this is a busy site, and that most everyone is busy in general, but I was quite surprised not to receive but one single comment post, and that from a very nice, very welcoming moderator, of sorts, who writes comments on almost everyone's posts, bless her heart.
So, anyhow, what's wrong? I figure that there must be SOMETHING. Be brutally honest, but remember: there is a highly sensitive writer on this end! And I find it very difficult when I am told that I have an "ugly baby!"
A Service Member's Prayer
Oh, God, I feel that I have cause To know my life might give You pause, But fair as You are sure to be, I seek Your way on bended knee. I wish neither to kill nor die, Though from engagement I'll not shy. For if my duty calls me there, I'll do whatever I must dare.
I seek not courage for the fight. I seek not comfort from the night. I ask not pardon for my deeds, Nor any salve for any needs. I only ask to know what's right, To do my best to check my might, To render mercy where I should, To know I serve the greater good.
Oh, God, if You will hear my plea, I ask so very much of thee. I fear not men, I fear not death, Yet bow my head and still my breath To ask You, please, to do Your best, To keep me from eternal rest, Until the hour my duty sends Me home to family and friends.
And if You grant my humble prayer, Oh, God, I ask You, keep from care Those people whom I hold most dear. I wish them not to shed a tear In anguish over days now done, Where my dawn was their setting sun. For then, if You will grant my plea, I'll soon be nearer them and Thee.
Copyright Shawn H. Hall 2014
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11/9/2014 10:22:44 PM
K River Posts: 9
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Shawn I think it is a heartfelt prayer. I was in the USMC. I disagree with parts of the other comments However,I do agree with them that your poem is a very good write.Yes War, is a very bloody, and violent business. It is filled with the extremes of boredom, high stress, high tensions, and fear. Then at times, followed by extremely high terror.However, GOD does enter into it. Look at all the wars that Israel fought, GOD was always right there. GOD ALWAYS, ALWAYS hears and understands our prayers and needs.HE'LL always them answer too. I believe that WAR, can partly be in the name of humanity. Look at WWII it stopped (hitler I didn't cap on purpose) from killing more people what would the better alternative have been to let him go on? No, He had to be stopped. GOD is there with you Shawn don't worry. He was with Joshua, David, all of them were warriors too. GOD helped each one to win the battles they were in and HE will help you too. Your loyalty is to the MARINE OR SOLDIER to your left and right not to the enemy that is trying so hard to kill you and your brothers. You owe the enemy nothing.Pray before EACH and EVERY mission you go out on. Ask for GOD's Protection, Wisdom, Discernment, and Guidance in the name of JESUS. When you ask all you need to do is BELIEVE BY FAITH. Then go out BY FAITH, doing the the things that are required of you. You will then see, that what I am telling you is true. If you choose to draw close to GOD, and JESUS HE will draw even closer to you. TRUST HIM HE IS WORTHY OF THAT TRUST, and know in your heart that JESUS CHRIST IS LORD.I think the poem has a good flow to it. Rework it, polish it, eliminate any extra words. Reading it out loud to yourself helps to determine weak or awkward points. Go over each line and cut any words that are not absolutely necessary to the thought at hand. Maybe change the negatives to positives. You have a very good basis for an outstanding write. It is a very sincere and heartfelt prayer, that I am sure reflects the thoughts of many in the same type of situation. If shared, I think most would be able to identify with what is said there. GOD, I ASK RIGHT NOW THAT YOU BLESS SHAWN AND HIS BROTHERS. KEEP THEM ALL IN THE HOLLOW OF YOUR MIGHTY HAND, PLACE A BAND OF ANGELS, AND A WALL OF FIRE AROUND THEM IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME I ASK THIS. THEREFORE I KNOW IT IS DONE. Thank You JESUS, amen. Shawn I want to personally thank you for your service. America is free because American men and women like you, choose to serve our country in times of Peace, and in War. America would not be free, without men and women like you, willing to put their lives on the line. Our Freedoms sometimes come at a very high personal price. The price of our Freedom, is never free. GOD BLESS YOU and your BROTHERS If you or they ever feel the need to talk things out, write me. Good or bad I will listen. kriver USMC ret edited by kriver on 11/9/2014 edited by kriver on 11/9/2014 edited by kriver on 11/9/2014 edited by kriver on 11/10/2014 edited by kriver on 11/10/2014
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