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Forum Home » High Critique » Adam and Eve and Me

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/8/2011 8:46:40 AM

Bobb Marly
Posts: 5
5 jan 2011 11:30 am

I try to remember when life was just fun
But that was way back when I was too little too young
It was before I knew right from wrong
Life was a blast a beautiful song
But as I grew and life came into view
I started to do that which I knew not to
I became afraid and wanted to hide
Because of the guilt that is inside
In thinking back to never never land
Adam and Eves plight I now understand

Life on Purpose Live it before you lose it! ©2009
edited by Bobb on 1/8/2011

Life on Purpose Live it before you lose it! ©2009
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1/15/2011 4:07:49 PM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Bob, although I don't think poems always need punctuation, especially at the end of lines, I think this one could benefit from some punctuation in places. For example: The line, "Life was a blast a beautiful song" - I think you either need to use a semi-colon - "Life was a blast; a beautiful song" or, in keeping with the no punctuation theme, break it into two lines - "Life was a blast (new line) A beautiful song".

A few other suggestions:

Second line - I might consider changing the end to: "I was a little too young". "...too little too young" does not flow too well - in my humble opinion.

The third line seems too short compared to lines 1 and 2. Maybe try: "It was before I knew the difference between right and wrong". With the pause in the next line, either by using the ";" or breaking the line in two, I think the flow is better.

I think line five improves by adding the word "older" after "grew". And I would add the word "do" at the end of line 6.

Line 8, maybe try replacing the word "is" with "grew deep" - that may be a bit more poetic.

Line 9 - try "Never-Never Land"

Line 10 - I think "Eves" should be possesive, "Eve's"

These are just some suggestions, for what they are worth. Good luck with your poetic endeavors and only make changes where you think they improve YOUR poem.

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