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Forum Home » High Critique » Static

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/10/2010 3:04:12 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
Forever lost in space and time,
These stagnant seconds are divine.
With steady hand and shaky mind,
Pursuing something we’ll never find.

Drawn out hours that never cease,
The mental crypt allows no release.
Passing moments as best we can
Devising yet another ill-thought plan.

Time stands still for those who wait,
Unable to face their looming fate.
Escaping restrictions of endless rules,
And brushing shoulders with mindless fools.

Forever lost in space and time.
Those static seconds were divine
Forever wishing we could rewind
Is the affliction of our kind.
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5/10/2010 3:05:36 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
I've been really battling with the last 2 lines of the verse, so any comments on this especially would be gratefully received.
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5/10/2010 8:35:28 AM

Very nice poem, Charlotte. Maybe the last line could read "Is the affliction of mankind." I like that you have held the perspective of the masses throughout, never once coming back to a personal perspective. You really did a wonderful job with this one. Catie
edited by Catie on 5/10/2010
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5/12/2010 9:15:50 AM

Patty Lane
Posts: 5
Well done, hon! Maybe the last stanza could read:

Forever lost in space and time
those static seconds when we were divine
to never recant, to never rewind
is lost to all of human kind
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