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Forum Home » Be Gentle » Looking for advice on how to improve

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/3/2014 12:01:47 AM

Robert Lindley
Posts: 8
Please critique this .....




Lost Love's Dream Shadow



Deep within a sunlit drop of refreshing rain
I saw a glimpse of her beautiful face again
Dreams flow past as swift mountain streams
she haunts me lovingly in midnight dreams

Outside my window the great moon dares to sink
more time, more time is all I can think
She appears all the more real in her golden gown
as the great moon glides slowly slipping down

I feel earth trembling deeply into night
nothing feels better, nothing feels so right
Her voice whispers from shadows all around
smiles so deep that it echoes in loving sound

As dawn flees upward to meet the newborn day
I hear her parting , caressing voice softly say
Dreams can not stay , they must go on past
our loves are forever and forever they will last......Tyr--04--03--2014
edited by Robert Lindley on 5/3/2014
edited by Robert Lindley on 5/3/2014
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5/3/2014 5:20:37 PM

Robert Lindley
Posts: 8
Changes made to the last three lines..
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5/19/2014 12:01:57 AM

Luann Pfost
Posts: 15
the first line starts in sunlight and then the rest stays in moonlit dreams until the last where sunlight /dawn chases her away. the first line is pretty but it seems wasted as a scene setter. could i suggest you use a starlit drop of rain or a starlit tear
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