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Forum Home » High Critique » This Thing Inside

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/1/2010 8:55:22 PM

Dylan Strom
Posts: 4
Do you hear it?
that cracking sound,
It's just my heart breaking down.

Did you see that?
that sad broken man,
Who's lost and still not found.

Can you bear it?
this world that's down,
and quickly falling to the the ground.

Can you take it?
this constant feeling,
of joy within a rope and ceiling.

Through these years of pain and sorrow there's one thing i know,
If you take your heart out and parade it on a show,
You will be destroyed inside and feel every blow,
the pain grows on and all you can do is hang in there and watch it,
until that day the pain breaks free and takes you whole self with it,
until that day you'll be in shame and ask your self these questions.

Can you feel it?
that small thing,
that grows into a lonely ending.

Can you taste it?
that sour feeling,
that expands into a world of hate.

Do you hate it?
this constant ringing.
this voice inside wont keep quiet.

Will you stop it?
the final question,
by then it will be to late.
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9/1/2010 10:31:34 PM

maya zee
Posts: 3
this is awesome..... its like you have put your heart out in the form of words, but i hope to see some happy poems onwards... along with a happy twist in your life...
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9/4/2010 3:09:10 PM

Cas Davis
Posts: 2
Nice loose structure, but yeah, don't seem right to dwell too much in love and sorrow poems, but they do make you feel better when you write them out.
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9/5/2010 1:19:35 PM

aaron peters
Posts: 2
This thing inside. Great poem. I really like it.
Let not your heart be troubled.
edited by aptrs on 9/5/2010
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9/5/2010 6:42:51 PM

Brittany Andrews
Posts: 2
very ture and inspiering
Thumbs Up

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9/5/2010 7:12:36 PM

Brittany Andrews
Posts: 2
Logic Awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11Angel4eva23 wrote:
very ture and inspiering
Thumbs Up

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