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5/7/2010 5:20:26 PM Daniel Corcoran Posts: 28	errrr strings burst from sirens lights strobe in our ears blinding us i can hardly listen to speaking mumbles a heavy bass resonates between us down another drink upside down yeah thats quite entertaining to millions not so funny on your own ooppps punched in face by fist in face blood falls out of face that has been punched by fist blood from face falls on floor fist removes from face placed down by bodies side unclenches night ends on sticky floors fight ends before it began light comes on get out get out homeward bound i headed alone again naturally another great night some would say my head will not agree with my stomach in the morning neither will its contents
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5/8/2010 8:57:03 AM Daniel Corcoran Posts: 28	i guess the fact no-one has been critical of this means its perfect. just as i thought. lol
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5/8/2010 2:14:21 PM Matt Caliri Posts: 4	I'd take out the inner commentary within the poem...by that I mean everything that isn't a clear description o the pain or the sequenceof actions...which are by far the best parts of the poem... fr example, I'd x the following: "yeah thats quite etertaining...funny on your own," and "Homeward bound I headed....neither will its contents" Those step-back-and-evaluate lines ten to slow or full-on break the stride of the piece...and I suspect, with the strength and visceral imagery and description of your meat-and-potatoe lines (those dealng more intimately with the violent moments) subtracting the lesser-impact lines will bring this even more to life...
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5/8/2010 3:44:54 PM Daniel Corcoran Posts: 28	thanks for the suggestions matt. i've done another version of it now errrr strings burst from sirens lights strobe in our ears blinding us i can hardly listen to speaking mumbles a heavy bass resonates between us down another drink upside down countdown to rundown ooppps punched in face by fist in face blood falls out of face that has been punched by fist blood from face falls on floor fist removes from face placed down by bodies side unclenches screaming idiots covered in plasma laugh silently punch angrily die readily night ends on sticky floors fight ends before it began light comes on get out get out any better?
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