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Forum Home » Be Gentle » Please critique

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/25/2013 2:51:11 PM

Secret Poet
Posts: 3
This ‘mourning’ was the first summer’s day,
The sun awoken - awakened, but unlike yesterday it’s weakened,
Its glow usually vivid but now it flickers and mercifully fades.
Albeit the season whereby the sunrises and ever lasts, even in late evening whereby the sun’s
shadow is always cast. Today is summer, but today is very different to those of summers past.
Unable to wake, unable to rise -not a cloud to be seen, just a vacant sky. There will be no more autumns, nor a spring in your step - and you have experienced your last winter of discontent, season of regret.
The light of your sun radiates here on earth no more, but lest we not forget, the sun is one of many stars, so albeit one now rests in darkness, one rests amongst many stars.
edited by SecretPoet on 6/27/2013
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6/26/2013 9:32:58 AM

julie heckman
Posts: 17
You're off to a good start two words "first summer's",
The sun "awoke" but yesterday it was weak.

it flickers=two words

always cast=two words

a spring in your step = two words

radiates here=two words

so albeit=two words

amongst=among




There's a few spelling corrections, good luck.









SecretPoet wrote:
This ‘mourning’ was the firstsummer’s day,
The sun awoken - awakened, butunlike yesterday it’s weakened,
Its glow usually vivid but now itflickers and mercifully fades.
Albeit the season whereby the sunrises and ever lasts, even in late evening whereby the sun’s
shadow is alwayscast. Today is summer, but today is very different to those of summers past.
Unable to wake, unable to rise -not a cloud to be seen, just a vacant sky. There will be no more autumns, nor aspring in your step - and you have experienced your last winter of discontent,season of regret.
The light of your sun radiateshere on earth no more, but lest we not forget, the sun is one of many stars, soalbeit one now rests in darkness, one rests amongst many stars.
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