Poetry Forum

Forum Home » Be Gentle » Flying Away

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

6/19/2010 7:08:36 AM Shannon Callaway Posts: 1	Looking into stony eyes, knowing well, what inside lies. As I feel you, my soul dies. Created by tears, ripped from my eyes is the river you flow down, the river of lies. You found a believer. -converted to receiver- -your perfect achiever- -you lost your believer- Only beaten down, Now the pain receiver. Slowly do I crawl along the banks nearby, still filled with song. I now see, my happiness does not to me belong; Instead, 'tis carried off by you, to take along, anywhere you wish. I go! I wonder why you wish me down? Why do you wish this silence upon my loving heart's song? Slowly do I walk on by. Giving, until my last breath, all hope and try, simply loving 'till the day I die. The reason I’m always weighed down … While I dream of a smile … And although, I try to fly. Your gravity just passes by. And it takes all that I have left, to pick my head up. I’m left without the desire to try, not for you, when I'm afraid to die This struggle kills my soul. I know you’ll never leave me whole. My senses are left dull. "My God this hurts! My poor, fading, torn up soul." Though tough this place may be, I’m destined to break through! I'll do what must be done. Always with my head kept up. Living, Loving, and Learning as my world becomes more whole. Always “forward“, my new word. Now a free bird, no more thoughts of the absurd, no more ideas, hush, not another word. Just fly to the top. I'm on my way up! So now just watch as I fly away. Into the endless blue stretch of beauty above I soar. Just watch me fly away - this beautiful free bird. --------------------------------- Shannon Callaway Poem bout coming to terms with the reality of a fading relationship. Have not written anything in a long while so be gentle, but I really wanted to see if I could get some feed back. I'm looking for help with grammar and flow indication puncuation especially. Thank's for your help guys - sincerly
	• permalink • reply with quote
6/29/2010 11:10:15 PM Charles Henderson Posts: 7	Shannon, This is a good poem. If it were mine, and you are free to dissagree, there are a couple of things that I think would make it more attractive. I don't want to get into your specific wordage because that is yours and is probably better than what I could change it to. The length of the poem makes it a little bit wieldy. It is basically two thoughts. One how you were trashed and two, how you will over come it. Why not break it and make two good poems? In the first part you seem to lose flow just a tad beginning with line 8. Try this and see if you like better or at least if it gives you some new ideas. I would strike "ripped from my eyes" Leave Line 8: -You found a believer. Make Line 9 -Your perfect achiever. Make Line 10 -Now the pain receiver Line 11 Slowly do I crawl along, and continue as you have it. You just seemed to have too much of a good thing there and I left some of it out. Continue on down with out any more change until you get to "simply loving 'till the day I die. Then use "while I dream of a smile " as the last line of your poem. ==================to start your second poem you can go with what you have. An alternate might be something like==" Although I try to fly,"" your gravity presses me from the sky" "I can hardly lift my head" "I don't have the desire to try."++++++You can enhance your flow by breaking some of the longer sentences at a good place and put the last part as the next line. One I see is "Why do you wish this silence (break here) (on next line)"upon my loving heart's song" Another is "I'll do what must be done (break) "Living, Loving and learning (break) and there may be one or two more you think would help to be shortened. It just looks a little different to have shorter lines, therefore it does impact differently and changes the rythem patterns. If you like your changes I would really like to see the two poems again, with the changes. Good luck --Charles -- Chaz
	• permalink • reply with quote