I Stole Myself
I went in so self-assured
I thought I would conquer you
I have to laugh if I think back
That was never true.
No red flags, no alarms
I thought I knew it all
Your manufactured personality
Made certain I would fall.
The trap was laced with honey
A kind and gentle smile
I helped you into the driver's seat
And enjoyed every mile
I bricked myself up willingly
Put you above all else
I locked the door to my own cage
Of course I blame myself.
From then on I was crazy
Miserable, selfish, prudish, lazy.
But I was 'fit' so somehow
That made it all okay
It took me months to realise
My mind was not my own
You were living in my skin
Your playground, my flesh and bone.
The last scrap of me just lay there
Could not meet anyone's eye
The shame was overwhelming
But that scrap refused to die
It took everything I had in me
To open the door, just a crack
The panic took its iron hold
And I had to scramble back.
Thankfully I tried again
Finally the cage closed behind me
But there was no joy, no sweet relief
Something had changed inside me.
The world outside is just too much
Too big, too loud, too bright
My senses overwhelm me
I used to love the light.
I stole myself from my family
My old self is hard to fake
How do you forgive yourself
When kindness was your mistake?
Copyright © Robyn Watkinson | Year Posted 2020
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