I Stole Myself

I went in so self-assured I thought I would conquer you I have to laugh if I think back That was never true. No red flags, no alarms I thought I knew it all Your manufactured personality Made certain I would fall. The trap was laced with honey A kind and gentle smile I helped you into the driver's seat And enjoyed every mile I bricked myself up willingly Put you above all else I locked the door to my own cage Of course I blame myself. From then on I was crazy Miserable, selfish, prudish, lazy. But I was 'fit' so somehow That made it all okay It took me months to realise My mind was not my own You were living in my skin Your playground, my flesh and bone. The last scrap of me just lay there Could not meet anyone's eye The shame was overwhelming But that scrap refused to die It took everything I had in me To open the door, just a crack The panic took its iron hold And I had to scramble back. Thankfully I tried again Finally the cage closed behind me But there was no joy, no sweet relief Something had changed inside me. The world outside is just too much Too big, too loud, too bright My senses overwhelm me I used to love the light. I stole myself from my family My old self is hard to fake How do you forgive yourself When kindness was your mistake?