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My smile has dimmed
Not as bright as before
My daddy died
Him hitting the floor
and leaving his daughter to deal with the emotional bombardment, alone

I was doing alright
I thought I was fine
But my mind just won't stop
I feel lost and so blind
Blinded by depression and aggression and oppression and obsession with
wanting to be happy again

I try to live life
Try to remove this blanket of misery
But, I'm so cold and afraid
My past won't ever be history
It's stuck like a zip tie, I try to get away but it keeps squeezing me tighter and
tighter every single day

I miss who I was
Will she ever come back?
Can I drag her away from the darkness
or is it just a trap? 
A trap to keep me locked away. I can't breath, I can't hear, I can't think, I can't
see, I can't feel

Will anyone every rescue me?
Will this darkness ever let me be?
Will this depression just consume me?
Will this heartache ever let me go free?

How can I fight
When all I want to do is sleep
Sleep away the pain, the sadness
The memory that you're six feet deep
in the cold hard ground, while every other life just continues to move on

But, I will continue this battle
Punch life hard in the face
I won't be dragged down
Because, my head is MY SPACE
My head is MY PLACE

I'll rescue myself
Because no one else can
I'll search high and low 
I'll find who I am
I'm not gone, I'm not buried, my life did not end.

I'm just lost 

I'm just sad at being the one left behind
But, I will be just fine
I'll find where I am, who I am
It will just take a little more time

Carol Jacobs
December, 20, 2017

Copyright © Carol Jacobs | Year Posted 2018

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Date: 7/31/2018 9:25:00 AM

This one's so heartbreaking. I was having goosebumps entirely while reading. You know, it's said that "You can never change what happened, but u can change how u feel about what happened". All the best for u Carol..
Date: 7/29/2018 9:52:00 PM

Carol, you have expressed the feelings attached to a loss with poignancy and grace. Nicely penned.
Date: 7/7/2018 8:24:00 AM

Hi Carol.. Good morning. I'm in the mountains with my dog (Bo) sipping on your wonderful write and a hot cup of Joe. Nature is waking up and you're bringing a delight to my senses!