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Ryan Lovell Poem
As I look back on my life I can't help, but to raise a smile. As I look back in the past of what was once my life I recall that which was once forgotten. Like when my mother taught me how to swim, or how my sister pulled down my pants at a Fourth of July party. I have no regrets, and if you were to ask me to do it all again I gladly would. Like when I was young, and could not read yet so I forced my grandmother to read everything from Super Mario on the Nintendo 64. Yes I was one of those kids. I loved games.
My first kiss wasn't as magical as I would have liked, but that was in the fourth grade. (I know right? I am so lame.) Although she was a nice girl, and I thank her for the brief time we spent together. I hated school though...Everyday waking up so early...I remember thinking how pointless it all was, but that's okay...I like to believe if things had not happened if my life would have went a different path.
I remember watching the stars when I was about 12 with my mother, and she pointed out the brightest star in the sky and said to me, "That's my father." I told her she was crazy, but it was a beautiful, calm, and quiet night. The truth is...I am not scared to die...I am scared that I never lived...I am scared on what I will never be able to experience. Like the iPhone 20.
Me and my bestfriend were crazy. Always causing trouble to people. Like the one time we were getting chased by cars so we parked and passed right by us! We never drove so fast in our life. Also the time got out of the car after ordering McDonald's, and "drove" to the drive-thru window. I swear they spit in our food for that.
To my darling Christina....I love you, and no words can describe how I feel. When we shared our first kiss, which I had to teach you how, but in time you got better. Our first night of passion when we snuggled together for the first time. I remember it all...I loved my life. Some might say this was a life worth living for, but I say this might even be a life worth dying for.
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
Broken...shattered...and scattered...these are the pieces to my life. A puzzle with no picture to look back on. Fragments of memories that form a story...A story that has long ended...As I lay on what is to be my bed I stare at the ceiling, and can only imagine what will come next. I try to close my eyes for a moment of peace, but my head is like a jackhammer on the streets of New York City...So much NOISE! WILL IT EVER END?! I'm sorry...I did not mean to blow up like that...Sometimes I wonder if I am the hero...or I am the villian. Do I make people smile, or do I make people frown? Although Robin Hood was both villian and hero, but Robin Hood was doing a bad thing for a right reason. Agh! Why am I cursed to be so numb! I can only feel the hatred I have for myself! Curse the people who created this monster...I have hurt so many, but I am the one who is hurt most. I apologize again...I am rambling nonsense. I just hate how everyday it is the same thing. The same people, the same school, the same job, and when you move on...It is the same. Same people new faces. The world is a boring place....If I was to "live life to the fullest" sooner or later life to the fullest will also become boring. Now that is saying I survive all that I do. In a way the world is also broken. The world is divided...Race...Gender...Politics...Religion. Always fighting for something... As I lay on my bed, and look through the window to see the blue sky, and cotton candy clouds I can't even raise a smile. I raise my hand up to reach for the sky, but I pull back. The world is never going to change...You are the one who has to change. You have to be the one to complete the puzzle. You can be the one to overcome all of the obstacles in your path. You are the one to glue the broken pieces, but once you have fallen into the dark pit of depression it's hard to get out. It is a fighting stuggle just to climb up...If you are alone...the fight is more like a war. Not only do you lose the will to fight, but also your sanity. It amazes me how I have not completely lost my mind. Although as the time progresses...I fear the worst for my humanity...I have tried fighting for so long...I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE? THE SOUND OF THE DRUMS BEATS HEAVY IN MY HEAD! I CAN NOT STAND THIS PAIN ANYMORE! I AM NOT A TOY YOU CAN FIX! I am broken...shattered....and scattered...
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
As I look beyond the white walls I slowly lower my head. The pain I feel can not be described into a matter of words. The only thing that I can say is that my heart hurts. I am empty inside...I wish to fly away from this hell. The flames get hotter, but I can not tell. What will this world be? Will it be destroyed? I may have lost it all, and yet I stand tall. Have I fallen from reality? Have I lost my sanity? When the door closes there's no turning back. I do not have time to worry how everyone else is...HOW CAN I HELP YOU WHEN I CAN'T EVEN HELP MYSELF?! I hate change, but it is inevitable.
You can never get comfortable in this world...we can get stuck in the past if we do not move forward.
Who am I trying to talk to? I'm having a mental debate on what to do. The voices tell me to unleash the seal and reveal what the world fears to see. They think I can not see the blood on the walls...I know if I let go then what I tried so hard to achieve is thrown into the dumpster. Then why do I listen? All they do is blame me, but they can never break me! I'm the one in the boat rowing down the stream.
You can not affect me in any way. All that I write is just rambling...what am I even rambling about? I can't even understand myself, but yet I pretend I do. My eyes are filled with hatred, but my heart is filled with love. What will happen when I die? What will happen when I am alive?
Save me from this nightmare. Save me from this terror. How come I write something good, but then it goes extremely dark? Am I writing against myself? No ordinary human can understand this? Oh I get it now..you must be my other side...the one that I try to hide. How did you get control? I did not let you go?
Yes I am you...and you are me. I am the one you fear when you are sleeping. You delay what can not be avoided. I am the voice in your head. There is no more distortion. Stop playing the fool you are not srupid. I am the one who will bring the chaos to an end. You can not escape, but you will love on. For I am your conscious and you have lost.
You think that you can control me? I am the soul I know the path that I choose. I will walk alone and you will not affect me. I will not lose this...I can't lose this..I can n-
Remember what you said....change is inevitable.
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
Sanity...the thing I lack. The thing I can't comprehend...The voices in my head....the memories of the dead...the steady flow of time...I look to myself for guidance, but only find the evil I truly am. I am a monster to those who know me, and I'm dead to others. I walk alone therefor I stand alone. My bright hazel eyes give myself away. There's no hiding what I truly am. Sometimes I make friends and they only last for a few days. Then they see the man they call God created. I can kill, I can steal, I can lie, I can cheat. My heart is gone, it pumped its final blood. It shriveled to pieces...dust to the wind. No more can I go on the pain inside it makes me wanna die!!! I can't stand living this way put down this monster!!! I reach out my hand to the only man who ever granted me any SANITY!! But he's dead....his image disappears in my head. My arm reaches out, but I just grab air...I fall to my knees and grab ahold of my hair...I can't take this anymore!!!! I scream...as the only answers are the voices and the choices that I made!!! I can't stand this life!!! Someone please save me!! Put me out of my misery...before my inSANITY....does it for me...
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
It pains me to learn that I do not have friends…Not a lot anyway. Do I truly have anyone that I can trust? Just one I am afraid…I wish it were more. Now if you’re one of those fools who answer that family is my answer you’re mistakenly wrong. My wish…is a fairy tale. My wish is that I can honestly say that I have an ARMY OF FRIENDS WHO HAVE MY BACK! I don’t…I have what I am given. True friendship is hard to find…So I find mostly acquaintances. Not many people invest that much time into me, or things fallout. I can honestly say I have seen my own personal hell. Whether mine is different than yours is the question. I rule my own world, and no one else. That’s the problem…I have no one to help me. I have no one to look on. I am alone in a world filled with life. How much more ironic can my existence be? My wish is like those you see in a television show. Friends come together to thwart evil, and they all have amazing battles, character defects, and their flaws…I am only given a piece of paper…That is my only portal…My destiny…is to write down my ideas…That is also my flaw though…because not only is it my idea it is my dream. My dream is to live…Yet I feel so dead inside. I want to be remembered…I want my life to mean something…Time is such a cruel opponent. It has no opinion it just passes…In the blink of an eye you are erased from existence. That’s not even fair…I don’t have enough time to learn who I truly am…My potential…AND MY WISH WILL BE FORGOTTEN! MY IDEALS MAY BE BORROWED FROM SOMEONE, BUT THEY ARE MINE DAMMIT. No demon, no god, or any human will take from me what I strive for. It’s cruel I am forced to look at an old mirror that I used to be truly happy in, but now I am so damn afraid of judgment I can’t even hope to turn back. My path is paved…There is no turning back…My wish is that not only could I go back…but I could also bring happiness. My wish… will never be granted…
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
I hope one day you can forgive the destruction I have caused. I hope you can forgive what I have done. I hope you can forgive the monster inside of me, for the damage I have caused. For what is right and what is wrong. I never meant to hurt you in the way that I did, and now I can not give you a proper goodbye. I hope you forgive me for what I have done. I hope redemption will one day find me. I am sorry for everything...Please do not look at me with anger, do not look at me with pity, and do not look at me with sadness. Just know all I have done is in your name, and I never tried to destroy that...I hope the light one day finds you, and I hope that the light will cleanse you. I know what I done can not be forgiven, but that is behind me, but also perhaps you are behind me too...Time will tell on the path you walk. Time will always tell even if you are not ready. The truth will hurt, but set you free...One day I hope you agree with what I have done...One day you will understand, but that is not today, and I am sorry.
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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Ryan Lovell Poem
I am very sorry for not posting lately
I've recently lost one of my favorite ladies
It's to the point my hands keep shaking
I lost my mother a week ago
It's to the point that I don't know
Where do I go from here
Constantly shedding tears
I fear my mind might fry
How would you feel to watch your mom die
I can not lie it has me insane
Always the voices in my brain
I need to drain all of this pain
This stress is causing my head to strain
But my mother did not die in vain
What am I to gain from this
Losing her at just seventeen
Tell me that she's in heaven please
At this point I don't believe
All I can do is grieve
How come I was so niave
Now I see what I've achieved
Just the blood on the leaves
Someone tell me what that means
I wish this was all a dream
For now I will only scream
Copyright © Ryan Lovell | Year Posted 2016
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