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Jazmine Russell Poem
I sat
Dwindling in the all-consuming heat
When a sudden fluttering
Landed upon my knee.
Frantic moth
Gray and white
Took refuge from
The aggressive black ants
Scurrying and ripping at
It's fragile wings.
Full of sympathy
I cupped the frightened
Trembling moth in my
Hands carrying it away
From a timely death
The torture of barbarous ants.
On a nearby tree
Covered in moss and growth
I bid the moth farewell
Cautiously it flutttered
It's torn spotted gray and
White wings
And took refuge
In the cracks of the bark.
Small little moth
So brave and yet so tiny
To make a struggle
For survival
I pray you made it
just one more day.
In your short
Little life
Like sand in the wind
I pray
Though you may never
Feel the wind
Beneath your wings.
I pray
Before you go
Fade like a small spark
You may feel the sun
On your tiny face
The grass on your skin
Live and know life.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
I wish I could see you again.
Hear your laugh,
See your smile.
Feel your arms around me,
Look at your face and feel you smiling at me.
See you smile at me,
Only me.
Hold your hand,
Even though I’m too shy.
I’m laughing at myself now,
This wasn’t meant to sound so romantic.
It was meant to be simple,
But I started writing and the pen took over.
I hope telling you these things,
Doesn’t make you want to go away.
I like being around you,
I hope telling you all this doesn’t scare you off.
I wish I could tell you everything,
Let it all go and be myself.
Sometimes I want to,
More than anything.
But I don’t know if I can.
Seventeen years is a long time to hide,
A demon behind the innocent smile of an angel.
To just let go and open up.
Release the side of you,
Buried so deep.
I thought it was impossible,
Until I met you.
You brought out a side of me,
I thought died long ago.
Breathing life into the real me.
This demonic little girl,
Forced to hide behind an innocent smile.
A shadow,
Bent on self-destructing.
But with you,
It’s different.
I don’t know why or how,
But it is.
So I can’t wait to see you again,
To see what you think of me.
To see if you run, to see if you stay
When it’s all said and done.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
Dear Dad
Why don’t you love me?
The small brown eyed girl asked her father as he beat her at night,
then with a smile in the morning he’d scoop her up in his arms to play.
Why don’t you love me?
The bigger brown eyed girl asked her father as he walked out and
never came back.
Why don’t you love me?
The young brown eyed girl asked her boyfriend of two years,
As he walked out the same door her father did eight years before.
Never to return.
Why didn’t you love me?
The older brown eyed girl asked her father at his funeral.
As she leaned over the edge of his casket and kissed him gently on the forehead,
Tears running down her cheeks.
Why couldn’t you love me?
The oldest brown eyed girl asked as she lays Jasmine’s and roses
On her father’s grave.
Only a row down from her old boyfriend’s,
With love that never dies.
And her question is answered in the wind,
As the answer is whispered in her heart.
How could you love me?
If you couldn’t love yourself?
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
What is pretty?
Is it platinum blonde like sunlight and
Baby blue eyes like sapphires?
Is pretty so skinny your bones pierce your flesh
In a dead and grotesque fashion?
Is pretty lingerie drawn tight around your body
Showing all
Clothes that expose every crevice
And curve for another's amusement?
Another's approval?
Is pretty some dull-eyed barely-clothed girl
Gyrating against a pole in some meaningless
Attempt to feel something as groups of unfeeling
Lust-fueled men eye-rape her and shout things
For their own amusement?
What about the girl who can't wear makeup
Because of the chemicals?
The girl who wakes up every day to her
Own reflection and begs the question....
Why can't I be beautiful?
The girl that weighs herself constantly
Dropping pounds like rain
Afraid to be "fat" but she barely eats....
The girl that sits alone in her room
And cuts herself
Full of self hatred
At her body.
Bleeding out and marring her own
Precious flesh....
Are they beautiful?
Are we beautiful?
Who gets to decide beauty?
And where does it come from?
Is it the naked reflection in the mirror
We gaze upon when no one else is around or
The soul within the broken vessel covered
In colors and poisons?
What are we?
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2016
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Jazmine Russell Poem
Tear soaked tombstones
Love letters
Class rings and report cards.
Texts from you
Roses from homecoming
Kisses stolen in the twilight
Phone calls until midnight.
Standing in the rain
Holding your hand
Neck to neck in the wind
I wish it would never end.
I fell for a boy in blue
And then I met a boy in black.
When he left me crying
You were there to pick me up.
I found my best friend
And feelings that never end.
Walking out against the wind
Your arm around me
I’m smiling and you’re watching me.
This time I take your hand
Gently turn around and marvel your eyes
Before wrapping my arms around
Your neck and kissing you.
And I feel no cold
As your arms go around me.
We are one
One and the same.
I hold you close to me
And whisper your name
As the cold wind
Whips around us going on.
But this moment is ours.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
Anger.
Cutting, biting, shaking.
Anger.
Itchy, burning, ripping, tearing.
Anger.
Burning, searing, blaring.
All I want to do is scream.
Walk away, walk away.
Live or die another day.
Walk away, breathe deep.
Watch everything you say.
The blade falls deep
Cutting down as I weep.
I hold my breath and take a step
Trying to walk away.
But a monster surges again
And I’m right back where I started again.
Anger.
Twisted, surging to swallow me whole.
As your face
I rip away with every blow.
Until your blood
Covers my face.
Your existence
I’ll erase.
And I cry here when I’m done
This pitiful thing I’ve done.
Monster within
Lurking just under my skin.
Monster,
Killer, psychotic, other side.
Monster,
This monster, the one I hide.
Anger,
Always anger.
A scar,
A monster within.
This terror-fed,
Blood-thirsty beast lurking just under my skin.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
I want to stay. So I'm going to ask. I've been thinking alot about you and about this. And I've finally found some answers that make sense. See, I'm broken in my head. I was left unable to bond due to a disorder called DID. I can't love people or have relationships. I can barely sustain or understand my own feelings. But around you I feel emotions and a bond that I'm not supposed to have. Maybe I'm healing. Maybe its the world's way of saying its time for me to fix myself. I'm not really sure. But I know in my heart what I feel is real because once upon a time I could feel these things. And now their coming back to me. Now there coming back because I met you. Your special baby girl, you really are and I'm thankful I know these things now. I'm ever so grateful I met you and can feel what its like to care for someone. It's scary, but its also the most beautiful thing in the world. And if I'm allowed to I'll take care of you, protect you, and love you for as long as I'm alive.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2016
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Jazmine Russell Poem
I want the world to burn,
I want to disappear.
I want to stop the pain I feel,
I don’t want to be here.
I feel overwhelmed,
And wish to die.
Just to feel a simple emotion,
When I cannot cry.
I dream of ending my suffering,
Of slicing through every vein.
But each time I try to escape,
My efforts are in vain.
I dream of emptiness,
Because I cannot feel the joy.
I dream,
But feel no release.
I live a life I destroy.
And each time I cut,
I come closer to what I fear.
I wonder what would happen,
If I let go and lie here.
I’ve often thought of dying,
So much better than crying.
I dream of it,
Like a fantasy.
A dream I want,
But cannot see.
There are so many times I’ve had the chance,
The chance to end it all.
Yet I keep falling,
Falling and failing just to stall.
Maybe I’ll finally make it,
Kill myself and end the call.
Then I’ll find peace and end my endless fall.
But don’t cry for me,
I feel nothing at all.
I’m better off dead,
Than enduring the pain of my brawl.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2013
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Jazmine Russell Poem
Tiny baby girl, I dream about you now. Ever since seeing you and holding you my world seems to fluctuate around you. It's in the way you smile, the way you laugh. The way you grabbed ahold of my heart with your tiny hands. And now I'm wrapped around your tiny little finger. Strangely enough when I first thought about this, I thought I was projecting Hale on you. Trying to find a way to love, trying to put my love somewhere. But I don't think of you the way I think of Hale. When I think of you the whole world falls away. Your just this special little girl I'm holding, like the world is saying yes. I know your not mine and I know you'll never be mine. And I'm okay with that. But for the first time I feel a piece of me tick back into place. I feel my heart moving. I feel a bond with another human being. Like I'm reaching outside of my body. It's like all the broken pieces in me since losing Hale disappear when I'm around you. I can breathe again, I'm not afraid, I can smile and laugh. I hang onto you like a anchor in a storm. And it's strange how I just met you, but I feel like I already know you. I want to play with you again, make you things, take you places. You make me want to burst out of this shell I've hidden myself in. And it's strange how you make me feel this way. Your just this innocent baby girl, your not some angel. Your not a savior curing me of any disease. And yet here I am. Your so damn beautiful it hurts. Your so damn special to me. And all I can think to do is ask why?
It doesn't really make much sense to me that I feel so much emotion towards you. Your not my child, I shouldn't feel this way. And yet I do. I feel this need to protect you, to take care of you, to teach you and love you. I look into your eyes and see something beautiful. Something I want to protect, not because your mine. But something I want to protect and love just because there's a need to. Is this maternal love? Is this what loving someone feels like? I know in my heart that I shouldn't love you, I know in my heart I should walk away but it's hard. Hard and sad.
Copyright © Jazmine Russell | Year Posted 2016
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