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Amber Huether Poem
Do Not Resuscitate
You did not tell me we were drowning.
I’ve always known to swim.
Why didn’t you tell me we were sinking?
I would have rescued us again.
The ocean we were swimming,
Was vast, and wide, and blue.
We were seeking out a treasure
Just our love and me and you.
Why did I not see that we were drowning.
And scream for help to come.
That ocean race that we were swimming,
We never could have won.
You told me once before,
That you knew you couldn’t swim.
But I thought I could hold your head up
Help you breath the air and take it in.
I threw on my lifeguard persona.
I wanted to save you. Save you and I
But I knew I couldn’t jump in the water again
At the time I just didn’t know why.
You did not tell me we were drowning.
I wish you would have told me then.
If I had seen that we were sinking,
I could have let the rescue of myself begin.
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
I heard a tiny whisper, deep deep within.
It quietly questioned where I was going.
and softly reminded me where I've been.
The tiny whisper begged of me, listen to your heart.
Sometimes we have to crumble and break,
so that the live we deserve has a chance to start.
Deep inside my heart, I felt a tiny tug pull me.
and it made me listen to the whispers,
this wasn't what it was suppose to be.
and hopeless tears, streamed down my face
as I struggle to wrap my mind around reality,
its the letting go of love that I struggle to embrace.
The love I welcomed openly, left me vulnerable and weak.
I muffled who I used to be, and stayed silent…
I dare not let myself scream. I dare not let myself speak.
I allowed my home to be wrecked and ravaged.
By selfish people who do not hesitate to hurt.
and I'm left to pick up pieces, whatever can be salvaged.
I know there were warning signs…"do not proceed" they pleaded
But I thought I had the key to the world
The love to conquer all and give me all that I needed.
But so it seems, the truth is lies.
Love does not conquer all.
and loving words mask lying eyes.
Love did not conquer all.
Mary 29, 2011 © Amber Huether
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
an impossibility. so it seems.
how did we get to where we are?
An impossibility. ripped at the seams.
How did I let my heart get this far?
Its an impossibility to breath without pain.
a sure probability that I wont be the same.
an instant feeling, that my heart is at my feet.
just pieces of a person, that used to be me.
am i even happy? is this meant to be?
I'm staring at a reflection that wont look back at me.
A glimmer of my former, a me I used to be.
Is this the real amber? or love's casualty.
My reflection still wont look this way,
Am I in danger of losing myself completely?
The injustice of love i've suffered mercilessly
I've tried so hard to not let it defeat me.
I've tried so hard to hide this discreetly.
But I just cant sweep it under the rug
and ignore that its been lurking near.
When you ignore something so relevant,
you find yourself full of paranoia and fear.
Is this really me? This robot talking and ranting.
Where am I? lost inside a love.
I've prayed so hard, so many times,
begging for answers, for strength from above.
I'm broken. crumbling. cracking, falling.
I'm lost. scared. alone. trembling.
I'm defeated. beaten. overpowered. failing.
I'm asleep. nightmares. monsters. dying.
You're my everything. my world.
what am I without your hand in mine?
And this is where I've lost myself,
A love that consumed, overtook, intertwined.
I love you fiercely. without regret.
I love you without an ounce of doubt.
But now I've fallen into a deep, dark hole.
and can't figure my way out.
I could never take back my love for you,
its not just a plug i can pull.
I can't just walk away and never look back.
You made my heart beat, my life full.
I stand corrected. you still do.
you always will. my heart has been yours to keep.
thus the reason i feel so empty and scared.
this leaves me alone and broken to weep.
why does God let us love so fully?
Why does he let us love so blind?
He should limit the love we can feel for another.
I'm tired of loving so hard. and being left behind.
I gave all of myself completely.
never an ounce of lazy love.
I've put forth effort that could move mountains.
its just never quite enough.
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
I have found myself to be in deep.
way over my head so i can't see the sunshine.
or rather, there is too much sunshine
and i am blinded by its beauty.
Its beauty is profound, intense, so real.
it encompasses my entire being,
my entire persona,
and my entire soul.
it controls when i blink. when i eat.
it controls when i laugh, when i cry, when i weep.
It tells me when i should be energized,
and it cuddles me to sleep.
it engulfs my thoughts,
and has found comfortable lodging in my heart.
It grows with each passing day,
and so to, does its power.
I am not chained and held prisoner
against the will thats mine.
I welcomed, with open arms, this brilliant light
into my heart and mind.
i never knew its power,
or what it would become.
and now the seeds that have been sewed,
are not easily undone.
I plan my life around this light,
and crumble when it dims.
And then the brilliance bounces back,
and my twisted mind grins.
my heart knows the fetal position,
and it rarely knows to stand.
and only does it come to its feet,
when his hand is in my hand.
this beauty, this brilliance, this LOVE.
it overwhelms my soul.
i never knew i could love so much,
he's not become my part, but my whole.
along the road of learning,
and along the journey of life.
i somewhere got tossed and forgotten,
the beginnings to this strife.
if i only knew to embrace it then,
and not push it deep inside.
i could have been the master of my soul,
instead i run and hide.
i sit along the sidelines,
and cheer my heart along.
the love that holds the reins to all,
the place where I belong.
this love ravages my body,
and takes all to leave none behind.
it holds my oxygen captive,
and keeps whats rightfully mine.
This love i know, is real and deep,
and powers the happiness behind my smile
and I never for a second resent this love.
after all, its all that i am.
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
I really do miss you. For now.
Let’s talk a little of missing me.
Of how you lied back then,
Lets talk about where you chose to be
Instead of where you shoulda been.
Lets talk of the nights when you had me there.
To love and to hold forever.
Lets talk of the nights I was there for you.
I never walked away, not ever.
Lets talk about how you really miss me.
Now that the glimmer of gold is gone.
Lets talk about how you really miss me,
You had every chance to make it right, not wrong.
Lets talk about words that should have been said.
And promises made never kept.
Lets talk about whispers that put love in my head,
And nights left alone that I wept.
Lets discuss the real moment of missing me.
Was it when you felt the sheets grow cold?
Lets reminisce about what you had next to you.
A woman by your side, we woulda grown old.
Lets remember the wrongs that led you astray.
And how many times I turned a cheek.
The times I should have listened more carefully,
And give myself credit that I wasn’t so weak.
Lets talk about it really, about really missing me.
What is that you suddenly want?
You had it all, I gave it all.
Is the freedom not all that you thought?
Lets talk about missing me,
and the things that cannot be undone.
Lets talk about the battles in our hearts that we fought.
And the final war that remains un-won.
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
I want me back.
I search for the pieces to a me I used to be.
motivated. courageous. strong.
a glimmer of hope that I'm still alive somewhere.
where did I go? Where've I been all along?
This independent person that used to be me.
I didn't need arms to comfort my heart.
Where did this person go?
I only see pieces of a part.
My reflection doesn't even look like me.
it looks lovesick and consumed with fear.
Where did the pretty reflection go?
I can hear the devil snicker and sneer.
I've fallen to my knees many a nights.
I've soaked my sheets with tears.
I've called out. prayed. practically begged.
Give me strength. remove these fears.
I've prayed for signs. any warning to drive me away.
I've prayed for sunshine. a rainbow of hope.
Anything to tell me. this is wrong. turn back.
But my heart said hang on. and it threw me a rope.
You can't give up on this.
It's too amazing and feels so warm on your skin.
But now i beg my heart for answers.
when did the sunshine hide and the cloudy days begin?
Where did i go? I beg the answer to be told.
How did i become so submissive and tolerate the intolerable?
How did I so easily let the wool slip over my eyes.
Why so easily can I accept answers.
When my heart knows they are lies.
where did this me emerge from?
Scars of past hurt and mistrust and belief?
When did I become so weak?
Maybe this crumbling will become a relief.
I want the former me back.
The audacious, courageous red-headed woman, ready to conquer the world.
I want the former me back.
The ambitious, dream filled, pony-tailed little girl.
I want the former me back.
The one that never cried herself to sleep.
I want the former me back.
The one who's heart was her own to keep.
I want the former me back.
The daddy's little girl.
the one who braved new beginnings,
and was ready to face this world.
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
Every time you leave the house,
i wonder where you go.
not because i think you'll wander,
just because i want to know.
If i know where you're going,
and when you're set to return,
then i know that you can't leave me,
and wont leave my heart to yearn.
I know you think my trust is lack
and maybe all-together gone.
but just understand the pain i have
for the past that has gone wrong.
when i was younger,
and my mother left me cold.
I never knew the pain it would cause,
until now, when the scars are old.
in my heart i whisper softly,
am I that easily left behind?
is there some greatness i am missing,
is this love of a different kind?
The questions wander slowly,
and linger until they are gone.
What was so bad about me?
What did i do wrong?
And then my heart comforts me,
and sings a song about lessons learned.
So that one day when i have kids,
i won't regret the corners i've turned.
But soon the blackness creeps again,
and it gets within my head
and it starts to beg the question,
where WAS, better off instead?
I shove away the feelings,
and bury them where they're dead.
and try to ignore the scars they left
where WAS, better to live instead?
and here's the riddle to the puzzle,
the flames behind the pain,
the question burning so deep within,
it leaves me falling short of sane.
If the doe could abandon her fawn,
and leave her vulnerable and weak,
whats to stop everyone from running,
but the standing still of feet?
If the one who loves unconditionally,
puts conditions upon her love,
it drops the bar that sets the standard,
and leaves a question to rise above?
what's to stop him leaving?
is his love gunna hold him here.
if it didn't work for the mamma,
well, you understand my fear.
as soon as i fear the fleeing,
and i fear being left in solitude,
my world begins crumbling,
and the destruction is of magnitude.
I leave him constantly reassuring me,
"no, i'm here to stay",
but even as a mother's proved,
anyone can walk away.
So whats keeping him loyal to loving me?
what keeps him from kicking up dust
I'll over love and over compensate
until its all i can do, i must.
but this love life thats got me fearing
is incredible and keeps me alive.
I'm just waiting for the letting go
when this rooted fear can finally subside.
(april 24, 2011)
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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Amber Huether Poem
I'm tearing down these walls.
walls please crumble down.
i need to have a smile emerge
i'm tired of this frown.
I'm breaking free these chains.
chains please break for me.
they bind me to these promises.
that never came to be.
I'm searching for this rainbow.
Rainbow please show me the way.
I'm caught in a storm of storms
no shelter for me to stay......
I realize these walls are strong,
they've protected me, i thought.
And I've feared i'm too weak to break them down.
but God whispers, "you are not".
I look and see these chains are thick.
They've bound me to a scar.
And I tell myself i'm not worthy to be free.
But God whispers, "yes you are".
This storm is dark, and long, and cold.
hope fades softly as i scream "ahh-damn!"
And I start to worry i can't see the way.
Then God whispers, "here I AM"
Amber Huether June 5, 2011
Copyright © Amber Huether | Year Posted 2011
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