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Best Poems Written by Alexis White

Below are the all-time best Alexis White poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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This Life Was Never Mine

I’m not sure where I belong anymore, or if I’m even meant to belong. I spend my days trying to live in the moment and continue living for the ones around me despite my want to leave this place. I’m not sure how long I will last- my mind can’t help but think about how nice it would be to allow myself to close my eyes for the rest of eternity, put myself into an eternal sleep. I’m lost; my mind is scattered and is unable to see the fulfilment of my life no matter how hard I try. I want to be happy and I want to be free- free from the burden that is my upbringing, my mental disorders, my very existence; and start anew. If I were to remake myself then how would I go about it? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often as I walk around like a corpse in silence. I was manipulated to be so stuck in my ways since my birth, and have no clue how to go about being any other way. I want to be happy and I want to be free, I want to leave this cage and spread the wings that I have lost feeling of many years ago- being trapped in this consistent, sporadic way of living has caused me to lose sight of how amazing I truly am. I don’t know anyone that is me, does the things I do, feels the things I do, thinks the way I do; and still has the will to continue to live with so much passion that can overtake my exhaustion. I am tired of this life, but I don’t know if there is any other one I know I would want- the only answer I have for such a question is that I want to be happy for once, loved for centuries, appreciated by many. No one knows how hard it is to try and fit in a life that is supposed to yours, but isn’t. I want to stretch my wings and feel the warmth of the sun gently caress my feathers once more, I want to have a life that is my own; but, my life was never mine to begin with.

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What Did I Do?

Have you ever felt the weight of your heart in your chest? The low, saddened beats that echo through your entire being? The way it feels as if it was trying to fall out of your body and onto the floor? I’ve experienced many types of pain- the kind that shakes every fibre in your being from every direction, slicing into you like a skilled warrior defending his honour on the battle field; or the kind that comes from falling onto the concrete after being lifted higher than the clouds by false promises and empty words. However, I’ve never felt my soul so unhappy, my entirety filled with the heaviness of sorrow and pity. My inner child weeping in the shadows of my mind wondering what she did to deserve this. I was just a child wanting my fathers love, trying my best to fill the shape that he wanted me to be- squeezing and turning and cutting away parts of myself to try to fill his expectation but never getting close. I was just a young teenager carrying the weight of my entire family, protecting my mother from my father while she tried her best to shield me and my brother from his onslaught- while still slaving away to meet his image of me. Now I am an adult, finally having the desire to live and I’m getting thrown to the side as if I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to my family. I’ve never lived for myself until now and yet I feel as if I’m being punished. As the adult I’m trying to console my inner child and my young teenager while trying to weather the storm. However, I can’t stop asking, “what did I do to deserve this?” The pain, the anger, the hurt, the confusion, the sorrow, the pity- it’s all raging within me like a hurricane threatening to break the tiny shelter that I’ve built for myself. I just want to be happy, I just want to know what it feels like to truly be alive. To love being alive. What did I do to deserve this?

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Is It Me?

Am I even worth enough? I feel like every single time I think I’ve found the one, I realise something is wrong. My body is telling me something is missing, my heart is telling me that there’s a piece gone astray- a piece that my heart thought would stay in place. But alas, the piece was stuck on by glue and was not truly meant to be there in the first place. I feel like I’m never enough- I’m wonderful, he’s obsessed with me; however, it’s never enough to make someone want to truly know me, see me. Am I not worthy enough for you to take the time to know me? Over one year and yet now the universe is forcing me to realise that this piece of my heart was not stuck on by you but by me. I thought if you truly loved someone that you’d take the time to know them; but now I’m realising that you don’t really know me, you don’t really take the time out to figure out my corks and why my screws are loose. I tell you everything like it’s some kind of cheat code, I control everything so you don’t have to worry because god forbid you put a little more effort into knowing what makes me happy. My heart of mine is so simple and yet it feels the need to accomodate for others that don’t want to give it the same treatment. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore, what should I do? After this realisation, it feels like my heart is breaking into two. I love you so much but why is it that my body is telling me this is wrong now? I want it to be so right, but I guess now I need to put you to the test. I want it to be right, please prove my body wrong- I don’t want to live this life if my heart isn’t still singing our song.

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Him

His smile caresses my soul in a way that I didn’t know it could be touched. His laugh makes the air that was taken in by my mouth travel through my lungs; teaching me how to breathe again. His presence makes my rapidly pounding heart turn into a gentle lull- as calming as the sound of the wind making the trees dance. His entirety brings me a peace like no other, a sense of stability that I could never begin to comprehend with the way life sweeps me up in its waves; making me unable to stay at the surface for too long. Being with him brings me a certain profoundness I couldn’t begin to describe, and I meet a different version of me for the first time. Calm, delicate, joyful, hopeful, and free; traits found in this new version that could never be found in the original me. Similar to the opening of heavens gates at the last breath to flow from a new angel’s mouth, I greet a me that continues to come alive the more I devote myself to you; a peace that I pray lasts for a lifetime.

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You

You make me so happy, you make life taste so sweet. Every time you cross my mind my heart can’t help but dance; tap dancing to a new rhythm, a new song, that only plays when you enter my mind. You bless me with your presence- every moment that I spend with you feels like a breath of fresh air, I yearn to spend every waking moment with you. No matter what life throws at me, you’re the only thing that keeps my heart as liquid gold; keeping me soft and delicate instead of rigid and cold. I pray that I get to keep you forever as no one would ever be able to live up to you; we have a bond like no other, our souls intertwining and getting tangled forever.