What Did I Do?

Have you ever felt the weight of your heart in your chest? The low, saddened beats that echo through your entire being? The way it feels as if it was trying to fall out of your body and onto the floor? I’ve experienced many types of pain- the kind that shakes every fibre in your being from every direction, slicing into you like a skilled warrior defending his honour on the battle field; or the kind that comes from falling onto the concrete after being lifted higher than the clouds by false promises and empty words. However, I’ve never felt my soul so unhappy, my entirety filled with the heaviness of sorrow and pity. My inner child weeping in the shadows of my mind wondering what she did to deserve this. I was just a child wanting my fathers love, trying my best to fill the shape that he wanted me to be- squeezing and turning and cutting away parts of myself to try to fill his expectation but never getting close. I was just a young teenager carrying the weight of my entire family, protecting my mother from my father while she tried her best to shield me and my brother from his onslaught- while still slaving away to meet his image of me. Now I am an adult, finally having the desire to live and I’m getting thrown to the side as if I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to my family. I’ve never lived for myself until now and yet I feel as if I’m being punished. As the adult I’m trying to console my inner child and my young teenager while trying to weather the storm. However, I can’t stop asking, “what did I do to deserve this?” The pain, the anger, the hurt, the confusion, the sorrow, the pity- it’s all raging within me like a hurricane threatening to break the tiny shelter that I’ve built for myself. I just want to be happy, I just want to know what it feels like to truly be alive. To love being alive. What did I do to deserve this?