This Life Was Never Mine

I’m not sure where I belong anymore, or if I’m even meant to belong. I spend my days trying to live in the moment and continue living for the ones around me despite my want to leave this place. I’m not sure how long I will last- my mind can’t help but think about how nice it would be to allow myself to close my eyes for the rest of eternity, put myself into an eternal sleep. I’m lost; my mind is scattered and is unable to see the fulfilment of my life no matter how hard I try. I want to be happy and I want to be free- free from the burden that is my upbringing, my mental disorders, my very existence; and start anew. If I were to remake myself then how would I go about it? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often as I walk around like a corpse in silence. I was manipulated to be so stuck in my ways since my birth, and have no clue how to go about being any other way. I want to be happy and I want to be free, I want to leave this cage and spread the wings that I have lost feeling of many years ago- being trapped in this consistent, sporadic way of living has caused me to lose sight of how amazing I truly am. I don’t know anyone that is me, does the things I do, feels the things I do, thinks the way I do; and still has the will to continue to live with so much passion that can overtake my exhaustion. I am tired of this life, but I don’t know if there is any other one I know I would want- the only answer I have for such a question is that I want to be happy for once, loved for centuries, appreciated by many. No one knows how hard it is to try and fit in a life that is supposed to yours, but isn’t. I want to stretch my wings and feel the warmth of the sun gently caress my feathers once more, I want to have a life that is my own; but, my life was never mine to begin with.