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Ned Flanders Poem
It"s ten to one in the morning.
i"m lying in my bed.
I have so many men to kill
there buzzing round my head.
My thumb is sore and aches
and hurts each time i press,
but i got to kill those suckers
i"ll teach them not to mess.
The bedroom door bursts open.
My Mother storms inside.
I quickly pull up covers
and vainly try to hide.
What the hell is this?
Don"t you know the time?
Her voice explodes in fire
I mumble humble fine.
The room decends in darkness
silence reigns supreme.
I"m grounded for tomorrow
my Mother she is mean.
The next day at the table
my behaviour is discussed.
My Father nods his head
and says i am the worst.
A whole day without gameing
God my lifes the pits.
I"m sure i"ll die of boredom
I bet I get the yips.
But soon the day is over
it"s midnight in my room
I can"t resist temptation
to pick up and resume.
I switch on my Playstation.
and put it all on mute.
My Mum will never know.
I think i"m pretty cute.
But what the hell is this
i"ve been taken for a mug.
that bloody devious Mother.
she"s taken off the PLUG!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2010
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Ned Flanders Poem
I was a Butchers boy.
I delivered peoples meat.
I went round on a bicycle
to save my aching feet.
Some people liked our Pork Chops,
and others they liked Lamb.
You even got the customer
who didn"t give a damn.
The bike it had a basket.
Attached above the wheel,
and when i went down hills,
i rested both my heels.
I worked from four till six.
Except at the weekend.
When i did a longer shift,
it drove me round the bend.
"You always smell of Mince."
My Mother always said.
You will need another shower
before you go to bed.
The girls they used to tease.
They put me in a Stew.
"We like your Sheepskin coat,
we like the look of Ewe."
But i had had enough.
I wished that i"d be fired!
For like my Butchers bike.
I found myself two-tyred!
This Butchers boy was sizzled.
Like a Steak that was well done.
My free time seemed so rare.
I fancied having fun.
Then the Baker called,
but i had to say "No fears."
Just like your Wedding Cake,
it would only end in tiers!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2010
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Ned Flanders Poem
I have sold my mum on E.Bay.
My god my dad was mad.
He can"t believe i did it.
He thinks it"s really bad.
As to why i did it.
There"s reasons plain to see.
My mother is on my back.
Always hassling me.
She complains about my trainers.
She says they really stink.
Moans about the dishes.
That i leave in the sink.
I never make my bed right.
She gets me in a quandary.
States that i should help.
To do the household laundry!
Then every Sunday morning.
She really goes to far.
I have to help my dad.
Wash the family car.
Yes i sold my mum on E.Bay.
Then looked to far off lands.
To find a good replacement.
Post up the wedding bands.
Dad wont be to angry.
I will soon get him on side.
Because i have sent to Thailand.
For a brand new blushing bride.
At first it was ok.
We got on really well.
Then we discovered something.
That i can hardly tell.
I hope we get a refund.
I still have the receipt.
Let me tell you something.
There has been a big deceit.
It started in the bedroom.
I had to get a fan.
To bring my poor old dad round.
Our Thai bride was a man!
I want my mother back.
No matter what the price.
I am fed up eating chicken.
Along with Thailand rice!
"Will you get out of bed,
It is a brand new day,
It is nearly twenty past."
I hear my mother say.
I start to drift awake.
Then i start to beam.
Relief it surge"s through me.
It was a nasty dream.
My mother cant explain.
Why i changed my ways.
I"m really very helpful.
Not like the bad old days.
But if i am really honest.
I suppose i am quite bad.
I have just logged on to E.Bay.
To try and sell my DAD!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2009
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Ned Flanders Poem
Supersized models...
That"s what we need.
The next big thing!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
Statistics never lie.
The indecisive coconut just hung.
He waited and waited,
swayed a little
in the tropical breeze
but just hung.
A big fat tourist
in loud Hawaiian shorts
strolled by.
The indecisive coconut decided.
He dropped...
and missed.
It split in two
on the hard stony ground.
The coconut tree glanced down,
sighed,
and thought,
no point crying over spilt milk.
There will be other tourists.
After all,
one hundred and fiffty
is a big number.
Statistics never lie.
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
Waste not want not.
Oh the rabbit went and died.
You should have seen us all.
The news was like a car,
smashed into a wall!
The feeling it was shock,
i felt like i would cry.
How could it be so,
that Thumper he would die!
I remembered at Pet City,
how hard the choice just was,
till we seen the Rabbit
with marks upon his paws!
The family just went "Awwh!"
We loved him oh so much.
So we took him home,
complete with brand new hutch.
It seems so long ago,
and yet it seems so near.
That we brought him home,
so small with such big ears!
I cant believe he"s gone.
We were left with excess food,
and there is an empty space,
where his hut once stood.
But Sunday Lunch was good,
a belly buster"Phew."
yes you are quite right,
we had a Rabbit stew!
and not only that,
our bad luck has been beat!
We"ve set the record straight,
with four new rabbits feet!
But the best bit of it all,
is Thumper was so fat!
That i have got to wear
a Davey Crocket hat!
It is like my Gran would say,
"You"ll be happy with your lot,
if you follow just four words,
Waste not want not!"
No rabbits were harmed in the making of this poem. Thumper is alive and well and
living at the bottom of my garden!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
Managers and coaches
think quiet
money talks
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
Golf barks
U.S. Open flags
Woods is out
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
It was an old sailors birthday,
he went back to the docks.
He met a professional lady
they preceded then to talk.
He had been alone a long while
thought that his tide was nigh,
time to have some fun
before prices get to high!
They negotiated terms
on what he"d have to pay.
Then headed back to hers
where she would make his day.
They both got in her bed,
he set about his task.
After a couple of minutes
he felt he had to ask?
"Well, how do you think i"m doing,
am I giving you the hots?
Please tell me what you think,
give me your passing thoughts?
She replied.
"You are doing at least 3 knots,
"Knot really hard,
knot quite in,
and knot getting
your money back!
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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Ned Flanders Poem
Starved of living
a life beleaguered
some welcome death
Copyright © Ned Flanders | Year Posted 2011
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