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Best Poems Written by Nikki Pruitt

Below are the all-time best Nikki Pruitt poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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Addiction Part 2

You ask how I really am when you damn well know,
My world is crumbling right now.
But I'll be fine,
Just give it some time,
Just take it one day at a time.
This isn't the first time,
Nor will it be the last,
That I've fought against myself.
It's okay to stumble,
That's part of the struggle.
It's not how often you fall,
It's how many times you get back up. Every day when I wake up
I have the choice,
To continue fighting the good fight,
Unafraid to fail.
I am capable. 
I am adequate. 
I am enough.
Despite the lies my mind tries to create 
To fool me.
I am flawed,
I  up sometimes,
But that is what makes me human.
I don't always cope with stress well,
I get overwhelmed easy,
Little things can send me into a tizzy.
I have a bad habit of catching a case
Of don't give a ,
And that makes me unstable and dangerous.
I like to dip my toes in the water
When I know I can't swim.
I doubt myself,
My ability to not drown,
And , I'm so tired of just treading water.
I've spent so long self destructing
That it's become second nature to me.
My soul is sick,
From all the secrets I keep
And the substances I seek.
The chaos is merely a symptom of the disease,
Don't hate the addict, 
Because I plea insanity. 
Chronic relapses plague me,
Sobriety has always been terminally temporary.
I keep ending up back at ground zero,
It's a habitual hiatus,
Stuck in my ways,
It's slowly killing me.
It's a vicious cycle,
Will I ever see it end?
Maybe if I add some follow through 
To my action plan.
Better yet,
Don't drop the act.
I expect different results,
How when I'm still dealing with the same demons,
Just wearing more intricate disguises.
Damn this instability, 
Recovery slowly drifting out of reach,
Depression detonates saturating my being straight down to my bones,
I'm praying for the day mania flows,
Motivation is zero,
Like I mentally disturbed zombie
All I do is sleep. 
I am so deep is this low,
Ashamed of how easy I gave up,
How quick that guilt hit,
Fed up with all these sad days,
Finding myself spiritual bankrupt again
God stopped answering me,
And I'm isolating away my days. 
Forgive me for I have sinned,
I'll repent directly after this go around
With insanity comes to an end.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
So I skip another dose, 
Take a sip off this bottle
To soothe the pain within me.
Excuse the odd hours, 
I'm mentally exhaused,
On the road towards needing help because I'm flirting with active addiction
And those stimulants just make me weak.
The on again off again relationship with dope makes me dream of death,
There are times I'd welcome the end,
I'm slipping more mad more
And I don't have many more recoveries in me,
Especially when all I wanna do is run away.
I wanna go ghost,
Right down the rabbit hole I go.
I haven't yet,
But there's no telling though.
When mania hits my rational thinking may be the first to go.
But for now
I'm putting in just enough effort to sneak by,
I put on a show so good 
That I almost escape my reality,
Normal is surreal.
How long will they buy it?
When I'm on my 
It's like I get to a certain point
Then inevitably I do a massive backslide...
Every ing time.
So close to making it,
But my subconscious fear of success
Stops me in my tracks,
Sending me 1 step forward 
And 10 steps back.
Self sabotage at it's best,
Oh, save me the speech,
There's no saving me from me.
I guess I find security in the fact that
No one can hurt me more than me,
And I've survived everything.
If I want to have a future,
Worth living for,
So many elements have to change,
But changing is out of my comfort zone.
Stuffing emotions,
And then numbing that nonsense out
Is the norm.
Suffering in self inflicted hell,
Being too stubborn to tap out has been the safety net that's saved me.
The irony in the struggle,
It's the pent up pain,
The suicidal rage that saves me.
Yeah, I've come to the shocking conclusion that maybe I'm just a little ing crazy.

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Forgive Me For My Honesty

Forgive me
for all the apologies I didn't write,
for all the times
I didn't get it right,
for all the times
all I did was lie,
and for every time I made you cry.
The guilt eats me alive,
it makes me feel dead inside.
This isn't about me though,
it's about all the sorrys
I wish you could hold,
for every single lie I've told,
for every time you've had to sit
and watch it unfold.
How could I be so cold?
You need me to be honest,
but I throw up my hands in protest.
I do what I know,
& well, 
that's a low blow.
In those moments
we both know,
how bad I eff up.
Even I don't trust me,
that doesn't say much,
because I trust none,
watch as it all comes undone.
The real burden
is all the ways that I'm broken,
anger, hot like molten
from all the bull I've spoken.
I know,
because sometimes you look at me like
I must be joking,
but I'm the punch line
the consequenses are all mine.
I'm imploding inside,
but really I'm fine.
You don't buy it,
and that's fine.
I'll dig my hole a little deeper,
I'm a professional secret keeper,
the walls keep getting steeper.
I feel so fake,
I hate the drama I create.
From the moment I blow up 
to the moment I've realized that
I effed up.
Maybe I don't think.
Why don't you work, brain?
I'm sorry for all the pain you retain,
fragments in the window pane,
broken pieces
leaving your soul stained
of the memories of when I wasn't so vain.
I make a joke of myself
because I care what people think,
when I'm the only one left feeling ashamed.
It makes me feel like being with you is a shame. 
I treat loyalty & honestly like 
it's a game.
How are you not enraged
and filled with hate 
at the choices I make, 
how I chose my fate?
I can I repay you
for being caught in my cycle?
I've dragged you for miles
through so many trials.
All I can see
is how many times
I shut down
& hide my face,
because I'd rather run 
then look you in the face.
I can't stand your forgiveness,
the level of understanding
just adds to the pain
I feel deep down inside.
A thousand times over
I plead guilty
and I trip over my words
as the lies unravel & unwind.
Who knows what secrets you will find
locked behind the door I'll never open,
here's to hoping
that I can change,
the thought feels so strange.
Honesty makes me feel vulnerable,
It makes me
feel uncomfortable.
I hate the real me
and you should too,
the fact that you don't
drives me insane.
I hide behind these lies
because I'll never admit
how ugly I feel inside,
so why should I try
when I can just
take it to my grave when I die.

Details | Nikki Pruitt Poem

Father Figure

The years have drug on
since you died.
I wish I could still remember
the sounds of your voice,
the memories of that died years ago.
You're "fill in" came into my life
seven years before your abrupt exit.
I'm thankful he's stayed.
I still ask myself why though...
Why you couldn't find the strength to stay?
You made it so hard,
for my younger self,
to live day to day.
So many why's left unanswered.
No closure,
it nearly killed me.
It still makes it difficult, even today.
Not having that closure
in all aspects of life
has really had an affect on me.
I've made it this far without you.
I truly wonder how much worse it could have been
if you still lived.
You made me question everything,
you made me hate myself,
you made me wonder what made you
want to die.
How could you?
Why did you leave me?
I'll never know,
that haunts me
to the point of hating you.
I forgive you, 
I truly do.
I had to let you go,
so I could live again
and I've finally done so.
I'm blessed to have a step dad
that gives a d*mn.
He is the father figure
I never had in you, Dad.
He never left me,
he is mom's soulmate,
he is my daddy,
you are the dad that slipped through my fingers
I miss you.
I love you.
I wish more than anything
that suicide wasn't your fate.

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Blue, Purple and Marmalade

A powder-blue sky turns prismatic
     the sun glows marigold
chromatic colors, captivate, so charismatic
     below the horizon an indigo sea glitters boldly

Looming clouds melt into marmalade
     with overtones of a lavender hue
cerulean waves crash against sand the color of suede
     as the setting sun slowly turns the sea sangria instead of blue

Streaks of tangerine reach down to touch the sea
     iredescent lights bend and colors meld
giving way to a violet sky tinted with orange cream
     the sun disappears turning periwinkle waves into midnight-blue swells
as night falls the colors fade
    blue, purple and marmalade

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Recovery

I want to be
the best version of me.
I want to believe
in myself
and my recovery.
I'm tired of living
a life of insanity,
that's not the person
I want to be.
I'm not that person anymore,
now I live in accord.
Harmoniously happy,
thanking God
for my sobriety.
I was once surviving,
now I'm thriving.
This is my time,
I'm really trying.
Forgive me for my past,
the changes I've made
are going to last.

Details | Nikki Pruitt Poem

Hot Mess Bipolar Express

Hot mess,
Bipolar express.
Welcome to my hypomanic hell,
Depression so intense 
It feels like a spell.

Mania,
The broken wheel on your shopping cart
That makes you really good at art.
Depression,
The isolation station
That it kills your imagination.

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A Mentally Ill Memoir

My mind shorts out sometimes 
And my judgment goes out the window 
That's when I do stupid 
& the aftermath makes me feel suicidal. 
Sometimes it leads me right into
Temptation 
& straight into evil. 
Catching myself zoning out,
More often than not,
not on happy thoughts,
But on traumatic events
And everything I feel guilt over.
The grim reaper was waiting,
Keeping a watchful eye over me,
As I was looking over my shoulder,
Looking for the scarier entity .
I fear no mother f*cker,
Because nobody can hurt me
Worse than me.
Your attacks are useless,
I'm numb to the pain,
& nothing you can say will
Make me stray away.
You could hurt me a thousand times 
And throw it all in my face 
And I probably still
Wouldn't walk away.
Feelin' trapped 
And I'm not even in a maze,
Needing a scape goat 
Like a stairway to heaven
For lovers with depression
Who hate life & living
& can't seem to shake it.
Have you ever tried to function 
When you're exhausted and broken
Or when your thoughts are racing
So fast, In every direction,
So restless,
Holding still is agonizing.
Why you ask?
Because there are so many things that need done,
Things I want to do 
Might as well start plucking away
At the traumatic events that
Shackle me 
To the bondage of self
That overwhelms me with fear.
I'm past that mess now,
On the uphill slope,
Navigating through heartbreaks
& self inflicted set backs, 
Two steps backward
And watch it,
That first step forward is a doosie.
I wish I could have fallen into faith
In my years prior,
I might not have taken failures so hard,
Had I believed in a power greater than myself
And learned to better let go of the guilt.
I'm remorseful when I see all the chaos,
Crumbling all around,
My life turned upside down,
Had to step back and look,
To see the damage that I've caused, 
It never comes easy,
Nor is it fast,
But at least you can watch
As I take back control of my head.
All I want is stability,
Reassurance that I'm not worthless,
Something to take care of,
Surprise, 
It's me again.
It's considered self care,
Someone to love me,
That's my duty to myself
As I pick up my head I can see
A beautiful woman in the mirror
Looking back at me,
She looked at her reflection & said,
"I want you to know me again..."
That's why I've spent the last
Several weeks coming to terms with that fact
That I am who I am
And accepting that is moving me forward. 
I need that push.
I'm willing, 
But my determination is zero.
Light a fire under my ass,
And call yourself a hero.

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Codependency

I need you to need me,
So I can be happy.
I just want to help,
Let me love you,
Let me care for you.
Please, 
Don't hate me.
I just want to make you happy.
I’ll be yours for as long as you'll have me.
Forever, infinity,
You’ll be my always,
For as short as that may be.
I’ll be your dime piece
For as long as you’ll love me.
I promise,
I can make you happy.
No, please don’t leave me,
It’ll probably kill me,
Knowing my help wasn’t what you needed.
That ruins me,
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough
To make you happy,
To make you love me.
I loved you with all I had
And you STILL hurt me.
I thought unconditional wouldn’t hurt me,
But, codependency has me by the throat,
In a choke hold.
You’re my forever.
I thought,
As I put you on that pedestal.
Little did I know that would
Completely destroy me
And belittle the happiness within me.

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Sleepless Nights and Senseless Conversations

I suck at sobriety,
Even though life hasn't been that hard on me?
What excuse do I have
When I have all this support? 

I'm powerless,
Been that way since 16.
There's been times that I thought that I'd changed,
Then the old me returns to turn up the heat.

I'm not a lost soul,
But I'm well on my way at this rate.
I can't seem to get ahead of my demons
Because I had no faith.

I fear myself,
My lack of self control when I'm the author of my fate.
You think the worst, 
Expect the best,
Awfully high hopes for having no hope.

Details | Nikki Pruitt Poem

Walls, a Mental Illness Memoir

feel so heavy,
Weighed down by an anchor
No one can physically see.
I'm expected to be okay
To live a normal life 
While dealing with a 
chemical imbalance,
An emotional disturbance 
Whose presenting symptoms are
Self destructive binges 
And manic tangents
That have labeled me reckless 
And often left me stranded.
I dive head first into 
Waves crashing 
Tearing it's way through 
The walls I've built.
My fortress is unstable
There are weak spots
And some stains have
Remained.
These walls sometimes feel
Like they are 40 miles tall
And forged of steel
In that very moment 
I feel so alone...
When surrounded by people 
When introduced to anyone or anything new,
When one those new additions
causes changes to the flow 
Of things 
Who Dares to get too close or
challenge the authenticity 
Of my disorders
By questioning my mental state. 
Surely,
There's truth to the trauma,
Or it wouldn't continuously bother me
Causing catastrophic events,
Filling my head with memories
that never seem to end.
My mind short